Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award

The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.

"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."

Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."

When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."

www.newsbiscuit.com

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

The result of several u-turns

Truss announces legalization of drugs "for higher earners"

Prime minister Liz Truss has announced that the full spectrum of recreational drugs will be legalized for anyone earning over 100,000 pounds a year.

The announcement, made at a late night social gathering of party members and key fundraisers, gained rapturous applause with current rebel-leader-in-chief Michael Gove described as applauding almost "manically" while waving around two glowsticks.

Under further questioning today on the policy, when asked what legalizing cocaine would do to help Britain's economy Liz Truss pointed out that the average family would only pay 2500 pounds for a gas bill. When pressed on how this would actually help the poorer classes she pointed out that if the poor wanted drugs all they had to do was go to prison, where they would be bound to find some for sale.

Kwasi Kwarteng emphasized the importance of the policy by pointing out that if rich people bought so many drugs they just couldn't take them all, then they might give a couple of lines to someone in the street, so the poor would benefit in the medium term.

Story: RichT

www.newsbiscuit.com

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mikewildadventure-3422441/