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Kwarteng hoping for more ‘killer nurse’ stories



Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng has everything crossed that the trial of Lucy Letby is a long, sensational one. The case of the paediatric nurse accused of murdering babies has knocked the economy off the front pages of most newspapers, at least for a day.


'Kwasi's hoping for a child trapped down a well, a serial killer or an alien invasion', a spokesman said. 'Obviously, a happy ending would be a bonus – child found safe and well, serial killer sent to prison, aliens only eat poor people, that sort of thing – but he’d take a catastrophe right now, as long as it wasn’t the economy.


'We tried fracking', the spokesman said, 'but couldn't get it going quickly enough to trigger an earthquake. Ooh, do you think Putin might use nukes? That should cover the weekend, at least.'



Kwarteng 'gutted' to be overlooked for Nobel economics prize



Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reportedly furious about being overlooked for the Nobel Prize for Economics.


A spokesman for Kwarteng said 'Kwasi is very disappointed. What did Ben Bernanke, Douglas Diamond and Philip Dybvig actually work on? Financial crises and how not to prolong them? Pah, without people like Kwasi, what would they have to study? Now, the Nobel Peace prize winner has yet to be announced; before peace, there has to be a war right? Now, that's an idea. He's only been in the job 5 minutes and he's already helped cause a Tory party civil war.'

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