Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies

Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers.

The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparently printed in the EU and may well be among the goods delayed by the queue of trucks waiting to board ferries.

Police Lego Policeman - Free photo on Pixabay

Johnson only visited Kyiv to scope out local tax laws

Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.'

'Alternatively you can throw a little shiny-suited strop and demand an inquiry into how your wife's dubious non-dom status leaked and keep the story of you as Scrooge McDuck alive for longer. Rishi can no longer get aroused unless he can see the raw desperation in the eyes of the proletariat. First he lowers his tax liability, then his trousers.'

Russian Army Ramblers upset by NATO Posturing

"We are just a bunch of like-minded Russian soldiers with a deep seated belief in the Right To Roam, and we find NATO's sabre-rattling deeply unsettling"

The above is a quote from Captain Alfred Wainritezev, a PR representative for the Western Army Group Ramblers Association [WAGRA], an organisation currently in the spotlight due to it's 2022 Jubilee Jamboree Ramble preparations being mistaken as aggressive posturing on the Ukrainian border.

"Our organisation was founded in 1922 by elements of the Red Army dedicated to the principle of rambling when we are off duty" continued Captain Wainritezev "Dig into our rucksacks and you will find our collapsible fiberglass walking poles, a 5kg slab of Kendall Mint Cake and a jaunty knitted bobble hat to slip on over our balaclavas- our members are always keen to strike off across the countryside at any available opportunity"

WAGRA's ambitious celebration endeavours to peaceably follow the route of the very first association ramble through what was then the Ukrainian Socialist Soviet Republic : this original ramble commemorating the Peace of Riga that ended the Polish-Soviet war and led to the ultimate creation of the USSR. However, the current Ukrainian government is understandably reticent to permit 100000+ WAGRA members to roam across the east of the country on temporary visitors visas.

"OK, so we only originally intended for a handful of our members to take part, but so many have declared an interest that we had to open it to all, such was their enthusiasm" admitted Captain Wainritezev. When pressed about the concerns that all the ramblers seem to be armed, he pointed out that weapons are being carried 'for our own protection, Eastern Ukraine is a dangerous place at the moment', and the almost universal adoption of Russian battle dress merely illustrates 'the durability and comfort of current uniform stock for long distance hiking'.

The "JamboRamble" is due to finish in Kharkiv with a series of concerts and rallies, followed by a slap-up tea in Kyiv, then a quick pop over the border into Poland to catch the train home.

Parade Victory Day Samara - Free photo on Pixabay