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As the local government elections approach, the outcome of which which had been considered uncertain, has now suddenly become much more predictable.


With Labour currently almost as unpopular as the Tories were before the last general election, no-one was going to vote for them or the Tories, and no-one knew how the re-allocated votes were likely to be re-distributed among the rag-bag of various 'also-ran' parties,


These include Scots Gnats, Reform, New Reform, Real Reform, the Original Reform, Continuity Reform, Reformed Reform, Reform II, the Return of Reform (that's a separate party for each of their current MPs), the Democratic Liberal (or whatever they're called nowadays) party, the Monster Raving Loony Party, the Mildly Deranged Loony Party, the More Moderately-Sized Loony Party, the Green Party, the Light Green Party, the Dark Green Party, the British Racing Green Party, the Pink Party, the Spotted Party, the Striped Party and the British National We're-Not-Fascists, We-Just-Hate-Everyone party.


However, things are much clearer now, following the recent establishment of two new parties, which are likely to sweep up most of the votes.  These are the None-of-the-Above Party, and the We're-not-the-Tories-and-neither-are-we-the-Labour-Party-Either Party.  The only remaining uncertainty is which of these will massacre the other.






Having decided to go pure evil, the Work and Pensions Secretary said anyone avoiding work would be taken to the woods and shot. When questioned as to whether this was ethical she snapped a pair of crutches over her knee and stamped on a hearing aid - while someone was still wearing it.


Her approach would be carrot and stick. The stick is forcing thousands of disabled citizens into abject poverty. While the carrot would simply be rammed up their arse.


Saving £5bn in benefits would also help fund the sudden big increase in burial pits and wheelchair disposal. Disabled Groups said they were concerned that this could pressure the vulnerable into assisted suicide, her aide remarked 'We bloody well hope so.'


In order to calm the turmoil on international capital markets, the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has today issued the following statement to restore calm:


‘I have a plan for growth.  I am not loath to deliver growth.  Zero growth is both no growth and no good.  I will deliver non-zero growth – you have my oath.


'There must be no digression, depression or recession, or a procession and progression of recession.   I will fight recession with aggression, self-possession, the legal profession, and a positive facial expression.


'Austerity is a barbarity, but with dexterity I say, with verity and sincerity, it can become a rarity and be consigned to posterity.


'There are black books, with a black hole and red ink. There is a red wall and green crap and a yellow peril.  But I have a golden rule and the white heat of technology, and I dream in colour. 14 years of Tory mismanagement left us in the shade and off colour.  But soon we will be in the pink.


'The Tories bashed, lashed, mashed, smashed, thrashed and crashed the economy.  The creation of inflation shocked the nation.  No elation, no sensation.   An inflation castration.  An economic sedation. Prices rising for your vacation and your hydration and at the gas station – all causing starvation.


'So, in conclusion: taxes are going up. 

'Big time. 

'Soz.'


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