Labour really needs to up its Scandal Game

As everyone expected, the current government is starting to achieve some initial scandals and policy mistakes. Being not used to this kind of corrupting power, they should be given a reasonable amount of time before they get fully into it, maybe even allow for the Conservative debacles to quieten down so they are not compared too much with them. They really did set a really low standard and that will be hard to beat.

Some early personal tax shenanigans by Angela Raynor are pretty lame compared with Nadhim Zahawi rocking up with his seven figure settlement.

They seem to intend to not increase certain taxes as outlined in their manifesto…..they should be pulling a full Johnson and breaking that pledge like a de Pfeffel wedding vow.

Keir Starmer himself should be leading the way, failing to declare gifts properly from a donor is noob stuff - aim for lavish holidays, stupid wallpaper and golden drinks trollies.

If you are going to exploit renters, don’t have a middleman to blame, get in there painting over that mould yourself whilst threatening eviction at the slightest complaint and own it.

If you want to kill old people, don’t just take £300 off them, do it properly and feed care homes with infected pensioners and get those bodies piling up.

We want to see some proper good old-fashioned systemic bullying, not just psychological stuff. There doesn’t seem to be a single known sexual predator in a senior role. This is basic stuff Keir - get it sorted. We got used to professionals, and we won’t stand for anything less.

Picture credit: Wix AI

'Thiiiings.... can only get wooorse' - Starmer requests D:Ream re-write

Merchant of gloom and man voted most likely to be mistaken for his own waxwork, Keir Starmer has requested that D:Ream's upbeat anthem, adopted by New Labour in 1997, have its lyrics tweaked to reflect the fiscal reality of 2024. 

Labour intern Jodie Johnston said 'The Tories lied so much that Labour are implementing Tory austerity policies in order to un-fuck the budget. That's instead of the Tories implementing Tory austerity policies, in order to fuck poor people. I'm so glad Labour won the election.' 

'Anyway, Keir is very sad about it, which is a human emotion, because he is definitely a human. He was talking a lot about the Tannhauser Gate and tears in the rain, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.' 

New Austerity is going to be so much cooler than old Austerity

The Chancellor reassured the nation that her reboot of the George Osborne franchise will be sexier than ever and that her gruel will be thinner than all the rest. Said one Labour voter: 'This is exactly what I voted for. Tory policies but with a Brit Pop soundtrack.'

Her aide explained: 'We'll put a cap on luxury goods. Not yachts. Children. And it's about time people started to pay their taxes. The billionaires? Gosh, no! I mean those disabled pensioners – hoarding all their wealth by not switching the heating on and rolling around in their gold-plated wheel chairs.

'We can only grow the economy by beating it round the the head with a baseball bat and then setting fire to it. There are no free lunches – unless you're a banker- people need tough love, fiscal discipline and rickets. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Except we forget the sugar and the spoon is a fist. Open wide!'

Image; pixabay/paulbloch