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Angela Rayner eats breakfast, is condemned by Conservatives

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A condition called 'Rayner-rage' is turning Conservatives and the right-wing press a crimson colour with impotent fury. It is, however, more existential than policy-based.


One morning, Angela Rayner’s alarm clock woke her up. She had a bagel and coffee for breakfast, then had a shower.


Conservative commentator Clementine Carruthers conspired, 'Her alarm clock probably isn't even John Lewis - typical lefty Britain-hater. That bagel proves that Labour is still antisemitic and that she is personally instituting Sharia law throughout England.  Her coffee probably cost £50, the champagne socialist. What's wrong with a British cup of tea? We're rejoining the EU by the back door! And unless she's showering with Keir Starmer, there must be huge disagreements already and she's being sidelined.'


Carruthers bought - and then ate - a copy of the Daily Mail comments section, before exploding.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore

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The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.


An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.


 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.


Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.


The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...


Image credit: Wix AI

Keir Starmer's big red ledger is naughty and nice list

A large, dark red ledger the new Prime Minister is carrying around with him contains recipes for gravy and chips. Before anything else can be done to fix Britain, the optimum output for the national dish must be agreed upon by democratic Party consensus.


The Left of the Labour Party strongly disagrees. It's not a recipe book, it's a list of self defence manoeuvres to fend off tabloid journalists. They come with step-by-step diagrams, and one of them includes the correct procedure for instant decapitation if one happens to be in possession of a large, dark red ledger.


The tabloid press are at odds with the 'Commie threat lurking within Labour'. They are convinced that it is a lever arch file of lewd scandals involving Angela Rayner. With obscene photos and 50 Shades of Grey-style descriptions which would be so rude as to be almost unprintable.


Scholars are not in concurrence, because otherwise rings would be clearly visible. Beards have been stroked, and Occam's Razor applied. It is obviously a proof for Fermat's Last Theorem, combining Schrödinger's Cat, Pavlov's Dog, and multiverse theory where a duck won the Premiership in 2016.




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