Poor children 'excited' for creation of Child Poverty Taskforce

Children in poorer areas of the UK are said to be 'buzzing' for Labour's creation of a taskforce to address child poverty.

Luke Lyle, 7, said 'I can't wait to play Taskforces in the playground with my friends. I imagine it's like Avengers assembling. I am quite hungry though because my parents can't afford lunches every day. If Labour would just abolish the Tory two child benefit cap, then I could have some lunch, rather than waiting until the Taskforce inevitably makes that recommendation anyway.'

'Please sir. Can I have some more?'

'More?!' blustered one Conservative, almost dropping his monocle into his brandy in horror. 

'Poor children should be working, cleaning the chimneys in my country retreat. Anyway, you can't just... give poor people money! What if they use it to make better lives for themselves? That would simply never do.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Angela Rayner eats breakfast, is condemned by Conservatives

A condition called 'Rayner-rage' is turning Conservatives and the right-wing press a crimson colour with impotent fury. It is, however, more existential than policy-based.

One morning, Angela Rayner’s alarm clock woke her up. She had a bagel and coffee for breakfast, then had a shower.

Conservative commentator Clementine Carruthers conspired, 'Her alarm clock probably isn't even John Lewis - typical lefty Britain-hater. That bagel proves that Labour is still antisemitic and that she is personally instituting Sharia law throughout England.  Her coffee probably cost £50, the champagne socialist. What's wrong with a British cup of tea? We're rejoining the EU by the back door! And unless she's showering with Keir Starmer, there must be huge disagreements already and she's being sidelined.'

Carruthers bought - and then ate - a copy of the Daily Mail comments section, before exploding.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore

The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.

An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.

 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.

Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.

The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...

Image credit: Wix AI