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Labour to subcontract governance

In its first days of office, Labour have promised to solve the housing and health crisis, by getting someone else to do it. Pleading for the private sector to step in, Sir Keir Starmer explained he would be taking the next four years off as TOIL- 'just like the last government'.


Asked why then he had run a campaign with the slogan 'change', he explained that loose change was all he was willing to spend. His spokeswoman said: 'Private finance can be trusted to benevolently invest and then lovingly assest strip the NHS. And all responsibility will be delegated, to ensure plausible deniability.


'We'll be out-sourcing everything, except being insufferably smug, we've got a monopoly on that.'




14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope




A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.


Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'


'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'


'Do I need to see a doctor?'


'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'


Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash



Starmer unleashes golden age of philosophy and enlightenment




Keir Starmer is surfing a tsunami of personal popularity as he begins to remake 10 Downing Street like a shining city upon a hill. As he forges a fair and just society for all, the sheer force of his charisma whips the people into a frenzy of happy adulation and Starmer is carried shoulder high throughout the land, women holding up babies for him to bless with his touch. 


One soothsayer commented 'It is as the ancient prophets and scriptures foretold. A new Jerusalem. His feet, walking upon England's (and even some of Scotland's) mountains green. A new Camelot. A new golden age of philosophy and enlightenment. He is accompanied by a flame haired woman quite a long way to his left, a slightly sensible woman balancing books and chaos with Ed Miliband.'


Starmer woke with a start as the campaign bus pulled into a leisure centre in Milton Keynes. 'What a strange dream' he thought. 'Now remember, you're the son of a tool-maker, not a tool.'

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