Labour to make 'Sound of silence' their campaign anthem

Labour intern Marianne Morrison said 'All Labour need to win the next election is watch the Tories punch themselves in the face, shoot themselves in the foot and roundhouse kick themselves in the groin. That is unless the AI that powers Keir Starmer suddenly announces he's really into dogging. We have to have a plan.'

Morrison opened the viewing window to a soundproof room, where a suited man sat in an armchair, wearing a VR headset.

'It's the Manchurian Candidate meets the Truman Show. Keir-isma believes he's running a vigorous campaign, meeting real people and taking the tough questions from Kuenssberg. However that is only happening in virtual reality. In actual reality, we're keeping him safe in this room, tucked away from the nasty electorate and real world gaffes.'

'We say nothing, do nothing and promise nothing. Starmer-bot for the win!'

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Scenes at Conservative HQ as results from GE 2019 trickle in

NewsBiscuit has discovered that the election after-party in 2019 was so wild that the Conservatives mistakenly thought they had lost to Labour. News that they have been in power for the last four years is slowly filtering through.

‘You’re shitting me’, one MP told reporters. ‘To be fair, I was off my tits for about a week. Ask Govey, he’s always at the front of the conga. It was us? We won?’

Several backbenchers appeared stunned by the news. ‘Does that mean . . . are we the ones who are supposed to stop all the poo going into the rivers? Are you sure? ‘

Conservatives have been blaming Keir Starmer for the state of the economy for some time. Now we know why. It also explains why Rishi Sunak never answers any questions at PMQs – he presumably thinks Starmer should be answering them.

‘So all those planes arriving during the pandemic without quarantine – were we supposed to sort that out? Oh shit!’

Another MP asked ‘But can we keep the bungs?’, suggesting that they have some awareness of reality.

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Policies to be redacted from Party manifestos

‘We want people to be able to make their decision unencumbered by anything too practical,’ said Kate Jones of the Politics Institute. ‘And anyway – who cares?’

Politicians for both Parties welcomed the move. ‘Thank Christ for that,’ said one Labour MP. ‘I thought we were going to have to come up with ideas.' Conservatives were equally positive: ‘Well, the few policies we’ve come up with so far have gone down about as well as a turd in a swimming pool. Which was, actually, one of our policy ideas.'

Other political parties are rumoured to exist, some of them much heavier on policy and lighter on tribalism than the main parties – but that’s probably why you haven’t heard of them.

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