Larry the cat resigns because he can't afford to pay his mortgage

Larry the cat has resigned from his £118K job as Government Chief Mouser saying that his mortgage was now costing him £2,000 per month, leaving him just £4,100 per month to live on after tax.

'It’s utterly ridiculous to expect a cat, even a skinny one to be able to live on that sort of money; and I don’t have kittens to send to a public school, so goodness knows how cats with kittens to support are expected to manage,' he said.

A spokescatlover for a feline charity told Newsbiscuit that the special appeal for Larry has already raised £5m and since this is similar to the salaries ex-government ministers are able to supplement their MP’s salaries with by taking second jobs working for sanctioned Russian oligarchs, she’s optimistic he will now be able to live with the dignity to which he has become accustomed.

Larry refused to comment on what he’d been spending the remaining £4,100 of his monthly income on, but a friend assured us it isn’t drugs or brothels.

Photo by Eric Han on Unsplash

Rumours of Larry’s death, most likely a dead cat strategy

Professor Clever-Cloggs from the Institute for Political Sanity has urged the public not to be alarmed by rumours that Larry, the Downing Street cat has died, at least until evidence of his death has been provided and a state funeral has been arranged.

He told Newsbiscuit that whilst the revelations about Boris Johnson's behaviour during the pandemic have possibly sealed his fate of being unelectable ever again, this isn't the case with other Tory politicians who are currently queuing up to appear on GB News to be interviewed about the wonderful relationship they had with the celebrity cat.

'The 'Dead Cat Strategy' has long been known to be an effective tactic to distract attention away from things that politicians don't want voters to know about; or perhaps concentrate their attention on. For example, the terrible opinion poll ratings the Tory party has been getting of late, which the Covid enquiry has been making even worse, isn't something that will do the Tories any favours at the next election. But as we saw from when the Queen died, the distraction of her death allowed the media to report nothing else for a fortnight, even that the party had made the most insane woman in the country Prime Minister.' he said.

'Now try to imagine the scenario where a grieving nation learns that Larry hadn't actually died, but had been catnapped by Russian agents and Evgeny Lebedev gave Rishi Sunak directions to their probable lair where Sunak was able to rescue Larry... Suddenly Sunak would become a national hero and people might forget they'd been calling him Dr Death.'

Professor Clever-Cloggs' insights may sound a little bizarre, but as he explained over a pint of Olde and Filthye, they are no less bizarre than the Tory party's rise to government again after the nation thought it had seen the back of the Tories forever in 1906 and again in 1997.

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

LibDems in talks with Larry the cat

MPs have expressed anger that Larry the Downing Street cat has been offered the position of chief of staff to the Liberal Democrat party. Critics believe the appointment will undermine the impartiality of cats who are constitutionally disdainful and aloof to human beings.

The leader of the Liberal Democrats, who’s name slips me for now, said: ‘When world leaders descend on Downing Street, Larry is either nowhere to be seen or he just sits in front of the cameras licking his backside. These are qualities we greatly admire. Welcome aboard, Larry!’

The news follows an announcement by Matt Hancock that he is to become chief of staff to the Care Home Association.

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