- Lockjaw
- Aug 30, 2025
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The law brought in to prevent puppies and kittens from being sold by pet shops is to be extended to include convicted racists. 'Puppies and kittens deserve a decent start in life and convicted racists who have pled guilty, been jailed and released on licence should be allowed to have a decent life in the limelight. Just like a puppy that had no choice about who raised and sold it, racists who incite racial violence, admit their guilt and are jailed under sentencing guidelines should be allowed to sue the police for doing their job and getting a presenter slot on GB News alongside Nigel Farage,' said a spokesman for an organisation supporting Reform, presumably prison reform, today.
Under current legislation a person who submits a plea of guilty to an offence isn't entitled to a jury trial unless they are, or even the chance of their offence being dismissed due to a legal technicality known as admitted guilt. 'We want Lucy's Law to be extended to include humans who commit crimes, then make a guilty plea to be excluded from admitted guilt, like puppies are excluded from pet shops,' said the spokesman.
Lucy Connelly's lawyer broadly applauded the initiative but refused to pick up the turds left in her wake. 'Those Reform supporters can get their own lawyers,' he said, 'I've got enough shit on my hands with this one.'
A whooping JK Rowling was allegedly seen orchestrating an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, searching for trans people to 'ask legitimate questions'. That came after a legal ruling on representation on public sector boards was celebrated by all the wrong people.
Rowling and Graham Linehan are said to be co-writing a buddy comedy where all the trans characters are either evil killers or suffer gruesome torture and recant their trans-ness before dying horribly - or both. Both Rowling and Linehan cited William Shakespeare as a writer who would never use characters who cross dress or change gender.
One anti-trans activist proposed trial-by-toilet for trans people. '100% of trans people either want to commit or have committed or are committing right now, sex crimes in public toilets. Now that is not true, but it might be, which is close enough. Why are you so in favour of sex crimes in public toilets?'
'We must put trans people on trial, by dunking them into a public toilet. If they drown, then they're innocent, but if they survive, then we can legally put them to death on JK Rowling's birthday.'
Another interrupted, frothing at the mouth. 'I blame Les Dawson and maybe Mrs Doubtfire. Is hunting with dogs still banned? Typical lefties! We'll just have to resort to some good old fashioned, common sense, mob justice – maybe throw in a cheeky little lynching here and there for variety. I just can't wait to smash what I don't understand.'
Image credit: Stable Diffusion
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