An unusual garden problem

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.

However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.

 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.

The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  

Image credit: perchance.org

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

Graham Morgan, 59, has admitted in court to reading the terms and conditions for his supermarket app.  He asked the court to take into consideration thirty other sets of 'Ts & Cs' ranging from his BT online webpage to checking out the CeeBeebees webpage terms 'before letting my granddaughter near them'.  He admits his actions are unreasonable.

Website and app Terms and Conditions, AKA Ts & Cs, are reams of electronic pages of meaningless legal mumbo jumbo not intended to be read by anyone.  Notionally they exist to allow every website a user glances past the right to extract any data about the user with a view to sell said data and/or collaborate in the ransacking of their bank accounts.  There are usually standard clauses to claim exclusive rights to first-born children and blanket statements absolving them of any responsibility for anything, anywhere, ever.

Before sentencing, Morgan stated that most of the Ts & Cs he had read included a minimum of five virtual pages stating 'blah, blah, blah...' in blocks of twenty-eight 'blahs' per paragraph and the final sentence, just above the statement insisting that the reader pushes the 'I agree' button, reads 'We reserve the right to add in anything we think of here before, during or after the pressing of the "I Agree" button, and failure to push said button will result in your hard drive being reformatted.'

Sentencing has been delayed while lawyers representing Morgan pour over the sentencing Ts & Cs.  It's expected they'll just push the 'I Agree' button before they get a quarter-way through.

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month.

Residents in an exclusive residential area in Virginia Water, Surrey, seem to have been targeted by a knowledgeable and highly specialised hacker, dubbed the ‘Pied Piper’.

Araminta, 21, said, ‘Mummy noticed that the lawn wasn’t tidy, which was odd, because our robot lawnmower normally does a good job. When we looked for it, we couldn’t find it. We thought it had got lost, or got stuck somewhere, even though it controlled by GPS and can text us if it needs help. Our butler sent the servants out to find it, but no luck. We’ve had to borrow a flock of sheep from one of our neighbours. They do a good job, but they do leave a lot of little presents behind.’

Next door neighbours Arabella and Annabella said their robot lawnmower had also gone missing in similar circumstances. In fact, they had lost three. They bought two replacements before realising that something was wrong. The third lawnmower had a tracking device which, after that too went missing, last pinged in Vladivostok.

Neighbourhood watch wardens Anastasia and Amelia confirmed that over one hundred mowers had gone missing. The thief has avoided all CCTV cameras, and there are no witnesses to any of the crimes. ‘We suspect Russian hackers,’ said Anastasia. ‘We’ve told our private security firm, and they are on the case. The best advice for now is to change your password on your mower, or to have a member of staff follow it around when it's working, or put it on a long leash. Or you could attach a Poundland logo to it, which will make it unsaleable.’

A police spokesman confirmed that the force took property theft very seriously and that they were prioritising the robot lawnmower issue. A missing lawnmower had recently been involved in an RTC on the A25 – clipping a Volkswagen - and it’s believed that the machine was on its way to meet the hacker. A specialised team has been set up, and the local paper has decided to call them the Flymo Squad.

The police have also called in a psychological profiler, a clairvoyant, a former actor and an old lady that does puzzles, to help with the case. They believe that the lawnmowers are being trafficked to Russia, where advanced technology is hard to get hold off. They believe that the Russians are either using them to clip their lawns, or that they are using the lawnmower chips to upgrade their missile systems.

The profiler has advised the police to look out for a well-educated and tech-savvy young male who may have OCD, likes being outdoors, prefers stripey tops, and may have claustrophobia. He is probably obsessed with Robot Wars, and his offending behaviour may be the result of an addiction to grass.

https://pixabay.com/photos/lawn-mower-robot-grass-414249/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/