At last, YOU could own a lawnmower that incorporates F1 TECHNOLOGY

Yes!  At last!  A British designed lawnmower that incorporates all the leading edge technology from Formula One!

Amaze your neighbours as you change tyres in 29 seconds and refuel in 7 seconds.  Make a superfast start out of your shed, experience the G force as you corner at high speed. (Warning: novice users should consider using a safety mower to manage speeds in certain conditions.)

The lawnmower has an authentic F1 whine (choose between Lewis Hamilton and James Hunt).  It’s super lightweight. (Warning: do not attempt to mow long grass when wet.)  It’s aerodynamic.   It comes with a choice of tyres, so that you can mow in all conditions.  It's available with advertising stickers from all the major F1 sponsors.

While you mow, you can record your own commentary as you pretend to be Murray Walker and film your Instagram posts on the mowcam.  It really is the best of British engineering, the result of decades of research by underpaid engineering students.  As used by Lando Norris’s gardener!

And there’s more! You can pre-program the Green Bull 5000 to mow your lawn into the shape of the 19 most iconic race tracks in the world.  And we even have a robot model that will cut your lawn on its own, by staying inside a barrier of piled up tyres.  If James Dyson lived in this country, and had a lawn, and wanted to cut it – then this is the lawnmower he’d choose!

Image credit: deep dream generator

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

Murrell bought the £3,070 robot lawnmower and recorded the cost in the SNP accounts as 'legal fees'. He is now aiming to prove that the description is genuine and not incorrect by bringing the lawnmower to court, and using it to make his case.

Critics regard this as a bad move. They believe that the lawnmower will probably grass up Murrell. At best, it is likely to cut corners. As a robot lawnmower, it will be unable to think outside the box.

The judge, in a misjudged remark, said that the lawnmower would probably make a better job of cutting the defendant's hair.

Image: Yarbo Global (@yarboinc) | Unsplash Photo Community

Neighbour confirms plans to mow his lawn more than you

Your next door neighbour has confirmed his plans to mow his lawn much more often than you, and to generally take much better care then you of his plants, flowers and shrubs over the coming year, you lazy sod.

Terry, 68 (retired), marked the start of March with a ceremonial first cut of his lawn, although he’s been doing lots of jobs in the garden over the winter months too, you know, getting things ready for the Spring, composting, weeding, mulching because you’ve got to keep on top of things, haven’t you? Haven’t you? You haven’t, have you? You’ve done absolutely diddly squat.

Whilst your sorry patch of grass looks like something out the Day of the Triffids, Terry’s already has pristine Wembley stripes on it, and he could do yours for you if you’re too busy or haven’t got the skills, it’s no bother, really.

‘The annual publishing of Terry’s gardening timetable for the next 7 months is always an exciting moment, although perhaps not for you, his horticulturally incompetent next-door neighbour’, noted Luscious Rose, from the Royal Horticultural Society.

‘Long, but unpredictable patterns of use of a noisy strimmer from 9am every other Sunday’, continued Rose. ‘Looking up from his careful deadheading of flowers as you head out in your car to innocently point out ‘it’s a lovely day for some gardening isn’t it - oh, you’re off out are you?’.

‘And sighing heavily on a hot May bank holiday Monday as he creosotes both sides of the jointly owned fence between your two properties. It’s all there for you to look forward to till the end of October when you’ll vow that next year you’ll do a bit more in the garden.

Terry has also confirmed his plans to clean his own car every single week on a Sunday morning, even though it looks completely pristine anyway, just so he can make you feel inadequate as you say hello to him on your way past to get into your complete shit-tip of a vehicle.