Leeds to be scrapped

Controversial plans to limit the HS2 rail link, will see huge swathes of northern England replaced with a dead-end and the sign 'there be dragons'. The city of Leeds will be phased out, along with any hint of Alan Bennett's whimsy.

Downing Street confirmed that it was not economically viable to maintain a city that no one lives in: 'Does Leeds really give us anything that we couldn't get from a sub-par Manchester or a boarded up Woolworth's? Any tourist who still yearns for a bleak, post-industrial wasteland, can always visit a bomb site in Syria. And with the money we'd be saving, we could afford another Slough or better still pay to get rid of Slough'.

Asked what people should do if they have relatives in Leeds, he replied: 'Thank your lucky stars that you got out when you could'.

image from pixabay

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Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension

People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.

Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: 'Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It's brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.'

Luke Lyle from Manchester added 'Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month's salary. On average it's 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.'

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged 'I mean it's on the Northern Line, that's close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?'