Controversial plans to limit the HS2 rail link, will see huge swathes of northern England replaced with a dead-end and the sign 'there be dragons'. The city of Leeds will be phased out, along with any hint of Alan Bennett's whimsy.
Downing Street confirmed that it was not economically viable to maintain a city that no one lives in: 'Does Leeds really give us anything that we couldn't get from a sub-par Manchester or a boarded up Woolworth's? Any tourist who still yearns for a bleak, post-industrial wasteland, can always visit a bomb site in Syria. And with the money we'd be saving, we could afford another Slough or better still pay to get rid of Slough'.
Asked what people should do if they have relatives in Leeds, he replied: 'Thank your lucky stars that you got out when you could'.