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Royal Mail to charge Graham Brady per letter delivered


In a pre-emptive move, Royal Mail has announced that it will be charging on a 'per letter' basis for delivery of post to the address of Graham Brady, chair of the Conservative 1922 Committee for the next few days.


'We have suffered some tough economic conditions over recent months,' said a spokesperson for the Royal Mail, 'and this is just too good an opportunity to miss. We are expecting a big rise in post to Mr Brady over the next couple of days, and we could turn the fortunes our company round by moving to a simple piece rate charging system.


'We need to cover our costs too,' continued the spokesperson. 'We lost 2 posties to chronic back pain back in April, after having to deliver sack loads of no confidence letters to the PM to Sir Graham.


'This time round, we're investing a couple of big ship container crates to hold all the likely letters, and we'll schedule for twice-daily deliveries to try and keep on top of things.' continued the source.


In a goodwill gesture, the Royal Mail has offered a 50% discount to the PM himself for forwarding of his mail from Number 10 to to any new address he might happen to move to over the coming months.




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First published 7 Jul 2022


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Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity


In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.


Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'


It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.


Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.


'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.


'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'




First published 8 May 2022


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Millions fooled by 'Nigel Mirage' say British geographers


'In our recent travels across the toxic landscape of British politics,' said a spokes-compass for the Royal Geographical Society, 'we have encountered a remarkable new phenomenon which we have named the 'Nigel Mirage'.


'A Nigel Mirage occurs when the leader of Reform announces what seems from a distance to be a radical and ruthless new policy proposal but which, when you get closer to it, suddenly disappears.


'For example, we saw Nigel claim that he would cut off welfare payments to migrants and save the Treasury £260 billion a year. But on closer inspection, it turned out there were hardly any categories of people that Nigel could actually take money away from, so the idea dissolved into thin air.


'Similarly, with Reform's schemes for mass deportations to El Salvador and Afghanistan. They loomed up in the shimmering distance, looking like monumentally important party policies. However, at the precise moment that Nigel started getting cross-examined in press conferences, these schemes magically vanished. All you could see in their place was Nigel shaking his head while claiming to have been misquoted by the media.


'The strange thing,' said the RGS spokes-atlas, 'is that moderate voters believe Nigel when he tells them that these hardline policy ideas were mere tricks of the light, and that he's actually a moderate guy.


'However, for voters on the hard right, these Nigel Mirages stick in the head and continue to look very real indeed. These voters carry on having the clear impression that if Reform gets into power, it will let migrants starve and then throw them out of Britain.


'It's almost as though,' the spokes-trigpoint mused, 'the Nigel Mirage was designed to work that way.'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive


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