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Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue


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Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.


Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.


Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.



First published 7 Aug 2022


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Truss launches ‘Hokey Cokey’ manifesto, briefly



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You slap your pay freeze in

You whip your pay freeze out

In, out, in, out?

Flip flop all about

Piss off the public sector

And U-turn around

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s in a tizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Tone deaf

Off-key

Ra-ra-ra


You put your cheese deals in

Your pull your pork deals out

In, out, in, out?

Churn it all about

Sign some pointless trade deals

Deny they’ve bid you down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that Brie is fizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arse from

Elbow?

Ra-ra-ra


Campaign for EU: In

Reverse to EU: Out

In, out, in, out?

Call them Frogs and Krauts

Do whatever wins you

All the centre ground

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, spin-doctor busy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm out

Salute

Ja-ja-ja


You drive your big tank in

Can’t find the exit out

In, out, in, out?

Wander aimlessly about

You do the walk of shame

Spinning round and round

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that fit is hissy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

This way?

That way?

Ha-ha-ha!


The Lib Dems let you in

The Tories lure you out

In, out, in, out?

Flirt your way about

Yellow, blue or bloodied

Wave your flag around

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Just how loyal is she?

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Pants down

Arse kiss

Mwah-mwah-mwah


You promise spending up

You promise taxes down

Up, down, up, down?

What a fiscal clown

You’ll send inflation soaring

Living standards down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s telling fibbies

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Morals bent

Truth stretched

Ra-ra-ra


You stick the dagger in

Leak the cartoon out

In, out, in, out-

Stab it all about

You slag off your opponent

Lose any moral ground

That’s what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s stabbing Rishi

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm back

Knife in

Far-far-far


They’re going to vote her in?!

It’s going to be a rout?!

In, in, in, in-

Please be in no doubt

The country’s going up shit creek

With no paddles found

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, it’s getting schizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

I’m f*cked

You’re f*cked

Waa-waa-waa


[Repeat through tears, praying for sweet release]



First published 5 Aug 2022


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How I survived my miserable comprehensive school education, by Liz Truss


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My education at one of the worst comprehensive schools the world has ever seen is well-known, but how did I survive to become the credible prime-ministerial candidate that you see before you today? Here I share with you my own personal strategies for flourishing in a school located within the mean streets of Roundhay in the 1980s.


1. Stay off the streets! Walking home from school in Roundhay in the 1980s was akin to the Bronx - hazards and dangers everywhere. Wet leaves in the park in Autumn provided a constant slipping hazard, and you couldn't walk more than 200 yards without being approached by a liberal peddling a petition about nuclear disarmament or selling some home made jam with proceeds going to Ethiopia. Keep your head down and as those kids from Grange Hill would sing: 'Just Say No'!


2. Make the limited option choices work for you - I have to admit that the absence of a Latin course to pick for O-Level ruined my 1985, but 'Que Sera Sera'. Just three modern languages to choose from doesn't necessarily have to be a death knell for your aspirations to go to Oxbridge. Remember, you can always use your private tutor to pick up Mandarin and the classics on the side.


3. Know how to pronounce tricky middle-class words! I was the subject of much ridicule when I foolishly asked for a bowl of 'Quin-noah' with my goats cheese salad in the canteen during my first week at school. I was picking out the starchy seed from my schoolbag for weeks afterwards. Kids can be so cruel.


4. Throw yourself into extra-curricular activities. Whilst the limited opportunities available to me at my own school were frustrating, I still got involved in the crumbs that were on offer - an immersive production of Ibsen's The Doll's House in year 9, a School Symphony Orchestra trip round the lakes of Switzerland in 6th Form (remember how the school had to book an extra plane seat for my harp!). There was always the Real Tennis court and dilapidated lacrosse pitches we could use too when we were really desperate.


5. Go early to avoid school drop off embarrassments - Our Mercedes Benz 560 Sedan was the source of much mockery at the school gates. 'Have you seen how slow the acceleration is with the 8-cylinder single-overhead camshaft naturally aspirated engine on that hunk of junk ', I heard one pupil laugh. We turned up at 730am every day after that until we thankfully upgraded to a Porsche in 1988. Phew!


Hat-tips Sir Lupus and Lockjaw



First published 1 Aug 2022


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