top of page
Search

Team Liz delighted as Truss masters her two times table

Writer: Chipchase
Chipchase
Aug 6



Members of Liz Truss’s team are said to be delighted with the progress she’s making on the reception class mathematics book they bought her last week.


One high profile but low competence cabinet minister who’s part of the team said: ‘We’re delighted with Liz’s progress. She’s currently got her two times table buttoned up and after she passes her little exam tomorrow she’s pressing ahead with the threes. Given a bit of luck and cramming she may be up to twelve by September. Everyone’s very excited.’


Another backer commented, ‘Liz’s work ethic on this is very impressive. Last night she told us all that "knowing sums, counting ups and takey aways" will be vital to help face the current economic shambles and imminent catastrophic recession her party's previous bungling leader has plunged the country into.”



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



First published 6 Aug 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election

Writer: Wrenfoe
Wrenfoe
Jul 22


The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese.


'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your polling numbers - she's a one woman wrecking ball, with exactly the same density.


'She already has several campaign slogans; 'I'm with Stupid', 'Truss is Trust spelt wrong', 'Vote for Liz, she licks plugs', 'Idiocy is a Brexit Dividend', 'I eat crayons' and the tuneful 'Dumb dee dumb dumb!'.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



First published 22 Jul 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss find a fridge large enough for both egos

Writer: Throngsman
Throngsman
Jul 21


Following on from the success story that was Boris Johnson, the two people most likely to succeed him have borrowed his campaigning skills by hiding, presumably in a fridge. 'You can't blame me,' Mr Sunak is understood to have told someone who wasn't a TV interviewer, 'It's very hot outside, and hotter under scrutiny.' Ms Truss is believed to be very concerned about cheese and didn't actually know why she was there, anyway, which suggests business as usual.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



First published 21 Jul 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page