Roast Liz for Christmas

M&S is looking to repeat the success of its Colin The Caterpillar cake - the one that vanquished Aldi's inferior copycat Cuthbert cake in the courts.

The M&S super premium 'You're So Worth It' Christmas dinner range now includes Liz the Lettuce. Liz is prepared according to a Nigella recipe and is supplied ready for roasting. Just drizzle with truffle oil and whack her in the oven. It's the perfect accompaniment to the M&S Kwasi the Turkey, which has just the one wing, on the right.

A spokes-elf said, 'Everyone will love roasting Liz this Christmas. We know the price is a disgrace, but It's what she would have wanted.'

Image credit: perchance.org

No. 10 denies Truss was appointed SPAD in the Treasury Dept.

With the many vacillations regarding recent backpedalling involving previously leaked Treasury Department policies and plans, No.10 has been forced into making a strong rebuttal Liz Truss was brought in as a SPAD with a specific brief to advise on the upcoming Budget.

A Labour Party spokesperson said, 'Look, we understand these rumours, albeit Ms. Truss's methods were perhaps considerably better conceived than Rachel's, nevertheless, the Chancellor wishes to state categorically she takes full responsibility for this current, utter shambles herself.'

Race to become BBC's new chief suit: who are you betting on?

Campaigning is underway amongst candidates vying for the top job in British broadcasting: Suit-General of the BBC.

This prestigious post requires the holder to wear a suit (glasses optional), attend meetings and think of ways to spend the £585,000 annual salary. Occasionally, the Suit-General must attend parliamentary committee hearings and spend an afternoon there sounding tongue-tied while gulping like a landed trout.

Who are you putting your shirt on for this coveted post?

Liz Truss: Not a stayer, and incurably insane, but she can be trusted to produce some stunningly bad news for BBC journalists to cover - 2/5

Jordan, aka Katie Price: has some giant assets to bring to the role - 3/5

Lord Birt of Dalekshire: crisis times at the corporation could see the return of the BBC's most unloveable sci-fi character ever. Exterminated everyone's will to live in the 1990s by constantly croaking about upward vectoring cost curves - 1/100 outsider

Sooty and Sweep: these loveable BBC bureaucrat puppets from the 1970s could also make a comeback - 5/3 odds on

Donald Trump - the chance to talk about himself constantly across the BBC's 4 TV channels, 6 radio stations and dozens of pages online could prove irresistible to the world's most relentless self-promoter. He's suing the Beeb for $1bn, so if he takes it over he'll be suing and bankrupting himself - 100/1 odds on favourite.

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