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Mandela effect renamed Truss effect




The Mandela effect is a mass misrecollection of events where millions of people vividly remember something which never happened. Like the existence of the word misrecollection. It was first discovered in 1983 when everyone replied 'yeah, probably' to the question 'do you remember when Nelson Mandela pinched Bananarama's bottoms?'


It has since been recognised, however, that all who responded to the survey can't now remember what they had for breakfast. Even when reading this while eating their breakfast. Therefore, a whole new generation of people have been asked, 'do you remember when Liz Truss was Prime Minister?'


Professor Anna High from the Institute of Erm, Er, You Know, Thingy explained, 'Many people have a false memory of professional bonkers lettucehead Liz Truss being Prime Minister of Britain. It's clearly ridiculous, eminently untrue, and could be no more a reality than a flange of Not The Nine O'Clock News sketches.'


Professor Hannah Fry who is real and lovely and thoroughly respected confirmed, 'There was never anything called the Mandela effect. The whole thing is misremembered by lots of people. And misremembered is a real word. Rather, it is something which is technically termed a Trap Street, when the London A to Z inserted non-existent roads into their maps to catch rotters out who were copying their science and claiming it as their own work. People who remember living on those roads don't actually exist themselves.


'So the Mandela effect is in itself a Mandela effect, which is a beautiful event horizon of infinite butterflies within butterflies where science becomes art and quiz question setters don't know where they stand.'


Picture credit: Wix AI

Russian sanctions against the West will be the harshest since the great Lada shortage of 1981


Following a deeply troubling exchange during which Liz Truss said that her daddy was bigger than Vladimir Putin's daddy, the head of Russian bear wrangling has threatened to impose severe sanctions against the West. This is in retaliation for an escalation of tongues being stuck out from behind the skirt of NATO.

'Firstly, and most importantly, there will be an immediate repatriation of Liz Truss's culturally misappropriated hat.'

'There will then follow a strict ban on all dolls being put inside other dolls.'

'No other nation will be allowed to use the colours red, white or blue in their flags.'

'And finally, there will be no more beluga caviar pies served in the executive boxes at Chelski matches.'



First published 23 Feb 2022



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Keir Starmer rebuts 'sprout eater' jibe


The Prime Minister has issued a comprehensive rebuttal after an American billionaire and social media tech geek called him a 'sprout eater'.


The jibe, originally posted on the billionaire’s social media platform, went viral. Newspapers around the world put the accusation on their front pages, and media outlets sought out vegetable experts for comment. The Prime Minister found himself unable to discuss any current issues or government policies because the media only wanted to ask him about sprouts.


The Prime Minister has today issued a thorough rebuttal. He upholds the nutritional value of sprouts and other brassicas. He confirms that he and his family eat a wide range of seasonal vegetables, in line with NHS guidance, including some sprouts at Christmas.


The PM rejected 'an impoverished vision of the world in which political leaders are ranked according to their food preferences'. But he did admit that the Daily Star’s lettuce-based criticism of Liz Truss was fair game and good fun.


The PM stoutly defended British sprout growers, British sprout exports, British greengrocers and all other sprouts retailers. He reminded everyone that Britain’s best experts continued to work hard to bring new and exciting breeds of sprout to world markets.


He concluded by saying that Britain was a proud democracy in which everyone could choose whether or not to eat sprouts, without harassment or embarrassment. And he said that sprouts represented an inclusive vision of a healthy and tolerant British society, ready to accept diversity and to turn away from division.


In the meantime, the billionaire antagonist has moved on, and is now calling the PM a cabbage brained pea-wit. If this latest insult also gains traction, then Keir Starmer is expected to issue a new rebuttal in ten to fifteen days.


Image: WixAI

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