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McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti


The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".


Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.


Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.


image by Grok


Loch Ness Monster search: everything you don't need to know


As yet another search of Loch Ness comes to a conclusion, we answer all your questions about this heap of nonsense, er sorry...we mean this fascinating mystery.



Did the search find anything?


No.



Was there ever any chance they would find genuine evidence of Nessie?


No.



Is the revelation of a possible network of underwater tunnels at the bottom of the loch a game changer?


No.



Will the mobilisation of hundreds of volunteers, on top of decades of studies and thousands of tourist trips on the loch, all finding nothing, end speculation about the monster?


No.



Does the whole thing benefit the tourist industry of the area, including two competing official Monster Museums, all of it based on something that doesn't exist?


Oh yes.



Would the volunteers be better off searching for something else that doesn't exist, like Kier Starmer's imagination or Nadine Dorries' integrity?


Not really. At least Loch Ness has nice scenery.


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