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Thousands need hospital treatment after lockdown injuries


New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





Discovered Lear nonsensical poem actually new Lockdown Rules



Literary scholars were disappointed to find that a hidden trove of nonsensical ramblings was not the work of Edward Lear but were, instead, the fevered cheese dreams of Sajid Javid. The Health Secretary’s plans for easing Lockdown included owls wearing facemasks, administering vaccines with a runcible spoon and one dirty limerick about Michael Gove.

The first of many read… There was a patient from Nantucket Who had recently kicked the bucket Asked if he'd track & traced Said he didn't want to be placed And had told the NHS App to go f$ck it

Members of the public who were hopping for a coherent strategy, were told that facemasks were optional and that Covid only affected those who were Sagittarius. Javid concluded with a veiled reference to his predecessor...

There was a door that had no lock So covered the knob with a sock But we could still see Because of CCTV The knob belonged to Matt Hancock






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