“Inflation is rampaging across Britain, and desperate times call for desperate measures,” Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt told the Commons, wearing a hazmat suit and clutching a pair of manacles.
“We are therefore going lock the country down again, to stop everyone spending their money.
“Anyone caught wandering into a shop or a restaurant will be arrested and will have their all cash confiscated and cards cancelled.
“And don’t try to be clever and order anything online,” Mr Hunt continued, jangling the heavy iron chains on his manacles menacingly.
“Crack squads of civil servants across Britain will be trailing Just Eat cyclists and Hermes drivers and arresting people accepting deliveries at their front doors.”
“I know it seems harsh, depriving you all of your groceries and cheap bottles of tempranillo blanco," said Mr Hunt, trying hard to look regretful.
"However, the government’s chief scientists have told me that if we all make an effort to spend absolutely no money at all for the next few months or years, prices will have nowhere to go but down.
“So remember our catchy new slogan: ‘Stay Home, Stay Hungry, Save the Retail Price Index.’”