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Brave Brits fighting back against do-gooders

Writer: Sully
Sully
Oct 8

An underground movement of heroic Britons is finally poised to take on the anti-growth, probably bearded, woke fanatics who are trying to destroy our British way of life with pronouns, improved energy efficiency and vaccines. Bastards.


Barry Evans (45) of Wolverhampton is one of the rebels. 'They want us to insulate our lofts, which seems reasonable till you realise it’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll ask us all to hug a baby seal or eat vegan sausage rolls. If I wanted nature I’d put David Attenborough on.'


Barry isn’t alone. Well, obviously he is, but he isn’t the only rebel. Pete Housman (43) from Rotherham told us 'These do-gooders make me want to puke. They go on about fracking but the yanks have it and they pay about twenty pee a gallon. It isn’t as if Britain has its own supply of petrol. What? The North Sea? Isn’t that in France or something?'


Darren Wimborne (44) from Bristol is still angry about the Covid lockdowns. 'We’ve become a fascist state where an Englishman can’t go about his lawful business,' he told reporters. 'If I want an avoidable death I’ll bloody have one. It’s in the Magna Carta.'


Rebels have threatened to dress up as superheroes and burn effigies of Eddie Izzard unless the Black Lives Matter movement renames itself Every Life Matters. Other protest activities include folding their arms in the pub, adopting a smug expression, making jokes about "feeble" vegans and retweeting whatever Piers Morgan just said.


In what may be their master stroke, Bill Gates is unable to track them because they haven’t been vaccinated, so he’s having to waste his time curing malaria and other woke nonsense instead. That’ll teach him.




First published 8 Oct 2022


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Thousands need hospital treatment after lockdown injuries

Writer: Frank Optional
Frank Optional
Jan 3

New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





First published 3 Jan 2022


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Delivery companies to strike over "Boris Day" working conditions

hokeyloki
Jun 2, 2023

Delivery companies in the Home Counties have called a strike for Father’s Day weekend this year (June 17th-18th). According to the Delivery Drivers Association, it’s not just the growing quantity of post on what the industry increasingly nicknames “Boris Day”.


Head of the Association, Pat van Clifton, said 'Did I say we’re delivering for the British people? Anyway, we were just about coping with the amount of post, although not all of the consignments smelt very salubrious, know what I mean. Now, though, there also seems to be a range of addresses each year, meaning we can have members in the wrong place several times over the weekend. Ask yourselves, is that appropriate for Boris Day?


'The challenge got particularly acute during lockdown where was so much traffic at Chequers, that our schedules were put out for days.


'This is a complex logistical challenge and our members deserve better pay and working conditions if we’re going to keep delivering for the British people.'


Mr Johnson will be approached for comment, when we can locate him.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/romeosessions-21018118/

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