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0 MPH speed limit to be introduced in Central London



The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027.


A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog.


'So from next year anyone found driving any motor vehicle that moves at all, no matter if it’s only 0.5 mph, they will be photographed simultaneously by forty different cameras and automatically receive a summons in their email within five seconds of the offence being committed.'


When reporters suggested that once again the motorist was being used as a cash cow to raise stealth taxes for the government to piss up the wall on mad schemes like the Northern Powerhouse, the spokesperson was quick to defend the move.


“Not at all. This is purely driven by safety first and foremost. It may interest you to know that if a car runs over a pedestrian’s head, even if it’s going at a snail’s pace then death will be inevitable. Compare that statistic to 100% of people that don’t get struck by a stationary motor vehicle and come to no harm whatsoever.'


Reacting to the news - should the scheme prove to be successful then it will be rolled out to other major cities, boorish oaf Jeremy Clarkson said: “It's utter bollocks. This madness won’t make any difference. Traffic in Central London has been totally gridlocked since 1979.


90% of world's suffering caused by James Corden's agent




As rumours swirl that Corden is contemplating running for London Mayor, we ask - have we not suffered enough? Having sat through his excruciating aciing career and his cringe-inducing interviews, we may have to endure his unfunny attempt to coordinate when the bins go out.



The evil mastermind behind all this is his agent, Mr.S.Atan. There is no way such a mediocre talent could flourish, without a pact with the devil and a haircut that never changes.



Once elected, Corden will insist on smug being London's default emotion, with canned laughter on every street corner. It will become the capital of irritating, with Corden the Mayor of HowTheF$ckDidYouGetThatJob.



Satan said: 'For James to become Mayor, someone had to sell their soul. I'm just not sure if it was him or me.'


London Mayor’s office accidentally honest about ULEZ zone

The London Mayor’s office had egg on its face today when an intern accidentally read out a document marked “For internal office use only” during a press conference.


The document, drawn up to mark the one year anniversary of the ULEZ zone, revealed that the scheme had been “every bit as lucrative as we’d hoped”. 


It went on to detail how the revenue was divided almost equally between people paying the charge, and the fines levied if they forgot. It also revealed a third stream of income, backhanders from car dealers whose business went through the roof as those who could afford to rushed to trade in older cars for recent models that meet the ULEZ standard.


It was only when he came to the phrase “Though obviously what we announce to the public should be about pollution, air quality and all that bollocks” that the intern realised his mistake. 


“There appears to have been some confusion,” smarmed the Director of PR, as the intern cleared his desk in the background. “Let me reassure you, our only goal in creating the ULEZ zone was the improvement of public health. Just think how much healthier the poor will be now they have to walk everywhere.


”Besides, it’s vitally important we ease congestion in central London. Even with limits set at 20mph, how are we going to make any money from speed cameras unless the traffic flows a bit faster?”




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