90% of world's suffering caused by James Corden's agent

As rumours swirl that Corden is contemplating running for London Mayor, we ask - have we not suffered enough? Having sat through his excruciating aciing career and his cringe-inducing interviews, we may have to endure his unfunny attempt to coordinate when the bins go out.

The evil mastermind behind all this is his agent, Mr.S.Atan. There is no way such a mediocre talent could flourish, without a pact with the devil and a haircut that never changes.

Once elected, Corden will insist on smug being London's default emotion, with canned laughter on every street corner. It will become the capital of irritating, with Corden the Mayor of HowTheF$ckDidYouGetThatJob.

Satan said: 'For James to become Mayor, someone had to sell their soul. I'm just not sure if it was him or me.'

Image: Pixabay/BazzaBoy

London Mayor’s office accidentally honest about ULEZ zone

The London Mayor’s office had egg on its face today when an intern accidentally read out a document marked “For internal office use only” during a press conference.

The document, drawn up to mark the one year anniversary of the ULEZ zone, revealed that the scheme had been “every bit as lucrative as we’d hoped”. 

It went on to detail how the revenue was divided almost equally between people paying the charge, and the fines levied if they forgot. It also revealed a third stream of income, backhanders from car dealers whose business went through the roof as those who could afford to rushed to trade in older cars for recent models that meet the ULEZ standard.

It was only when he came to the phrase “Though obviously what we announce to the public should be about pollution, air quality and all that bollocks” that the intern realised his mistake. 

“There appears to have been some confusion,” smarmed the Director of PR, as the intern cleared his desk in the background. “Let me reassure you, our only goal in creating the ULEZ zone was the improvement of public health. Just think how much healthier the poor will be now they have to walk everywhere.

”Besides, it’s vitally important we ease congestion in central London. Even with limits set at 20mph, how are we going to make any money from speed cameras unless the traffic flows a bit faster?”

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Labour to become a limited company

Following the success of Reform Limited in fielding a defective, sorry defecting, sorry - correct on both counts - MP, two councillors and a single London Assembly member the Labour Party has panicked and has decided to follow the trend to create a limited company. 

Labour Party members will be offered the opportunity to buy shares, vote at AGMs which the directors will ignore as in all well-run limited companies (and coincidentally in the current Labour Party), and instead of a shadow cabinet the organisation will have directors with Keir Starmer as Chairman, Rachel Reeves as Company Secretary and Wes Streeting the director responsible for taking the blame when HMRC come knocking.

The new organisation will be listed on the Bonn Exchange and insiders say the new name, Labour Very Limited, is a good description of what it will be able to do once it inherits the mess the Tories are leaving.