Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile.

"We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age.

"But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is.

"So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment. I'll be telling my minion Starmer to enrich the train drivers as much as they like, with the passengers paying the cost through higher fares. That's always worked in the past.

"People are also saying to me: 'Sir, will you manage to re-open the Strait of Hainault to allow transit through to Theydon Bois and Barking?'

"We'll see, but why not? This whole venture of mine in the Middle East End of London has been totally barking, anyway."

image from Grok

Sadiq Khan to introduce “Audi or above” lanes on London’s roads

Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that, if re-elected, he intends to introduce “Audi or above” lanes on London’s roads.

”It’s an idea we’ve been toying with for a while,” he told journalists today. “The ULEZ charge, which penalises people with older cars who can least afford to pay it, was a step in this direction. But I think it’s time we came out and made our intentions plain.

“A lot of people think it’s inevitable central London will become an exclusive playground for the rich, with the working classes only going there to provide some kind of service for them and then going home, but I don’t agree. I think we have to actively work to bring that about. And having lanes just for expensive cars will help.”

Asked exactly which cars would qualify, Khan stressed that “Audi or above” was only a nickname, and in fact some of the smaller Audis are “frankly a bit chavvy” and would probably be excluded.

“Likewise the smaller BMWs. And older cars of any kind. And obviously ghastly makes like Dacia and Kia, even their so-called ‘top of the range’ models.”

Cars that do qualify, on the other hand, would include “any kind of pointlessly large ‘Chelsea tractor’, especially if it’s being used to take one small child to school half a mile away. And all electric cars - they’re still pretty expensive, which ought to guarantee their owners are the right sort.”

When it was pointed out that BMW drivers are notoriously arrogant, rarely if ever using the mirrors or indicators the manufacturer saw fit to provide them, Khan replied “Well yes, but they’re rich so who cares?”

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

TfL announces 'no more tiers' policy