Thomas the Tank Engine: 'Scrap HS2 white elephant madness now'

The nation's favourite tank engine, Thomas, has steamed into the HS2 controversy, slamming the proposed super railway scheme "a cash-guzzling preposterous government white elephant."

'Toot-toot,' said an incandescent Thomas. 'This shambles is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. The government can deny it all they like, but if you ask me, it reeks of another Grayling cock-up. I thought Boris had binned him.'

Meanwhile, model railway enthusiast and scary loner Nigel Protheroe is offering to create a gigantic model railway showpiece in HS2's place.

Wearing a pre-Beeching 1960s Stationmaster's hat, Mr Protheroe said: 'I can set up a quite spectacular layout for no more than twenty thousand pounds in mum's garden, which, believe me, will be just as much a practical benefit to our nation as HS2.

'Look, in the highly unlikely event that I should ever wish to get from London to Birmingham half an hour sooner, then all I would do is catch a train departing thirty minutes earlier. It really is that simple.'

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​Roman opposition to HS2 found in Stoke Mandeville	in hardback and paperback	Last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers" retires

Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension

People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.

Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: 'Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It's brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.'

Luke Lyle from Manchester added 'Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month's salary. On average it's 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.'

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged 'I mean it's on the Northern Line, that's close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?'

City of London promises to re-wild itself

Jeremy Bayer, leader of the City of London Council, has declared to a shocked Zoom audience (some of whom were awake) that in order to achieve net zero it will be necessary to stop all flood defence activity. With the aid of rising sea levels he expected the whole area to regenerate very quickly providing a colossal bonus in salary for himself as government carbon reduction targets were exceeded.

'No one lives here anymore anyway' he said. 'The city is like a doughnut, all the best bits are on the outside'. Other benefits include a huge reduction in road rage incidents due to the new mud and peat bogs, elimination of knife crime as the blades rust away and wailing sirens replaced by the haunting cry of the curlew above the windswept moor.

Image: PhoenixRisingStock/Pixabay