Starmer accepts magic ring from Sauron

The PM's office explained: 'It's a gift. At no point did the Dark Lord say he expected anything in exchange, other than Keir's eternal soul. The Prime Minister is under no obligation, other than to chase hobbits all over Middle Earth.

'Everything was declared in the appendices to The Silmarillion. Being a Ring Wraith will not prevent his work as PM, if anything it makes him more likeable.' Sadly this is true, as Starmer's popularity is lower than Rings of Power Season 2. He insisted it was not a bribe, but was not helped by referring to the ring as 'my precious'. Friends have said he should avoid the appearance of sleaze by casting the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, or as Tolkien called it, 'Boris Johnson's arse'.

image from pixabay

Sauron Announces Retirement: Says Goals 'Mostly Achieved'

Sauron, the Dark Lord, announced his retirement today in a statement posted on his Instagram account. ‘With 170 of the 195 nations of the world ruled by total wankers, and humans spewing planet-searing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, I feel that my objectives here are mostly achieved,’ Sauron said. ‘And the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation just adds to the fun,’ the statement continued.

Sauron noted that what he’ll miss most about the job is working ‘hand in claw’ with such ‘star pupils’ as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. ‘Nothing is more gratifying than seeing excellent students master the subject matter so thoroughly,’ Sauron said. The Lidless Eye acknowledged that as a last official act he will help Trump by sending ‘a brace of Nazgul’ to kidnap Kamala Harris, adding, ‘It’s really the least I could do.’

 With the infinite time Sauron will now have available in retirement, he said he would probably ‘putter around the garden as anyone would, developing plant-based toxins usable in mass casualty events.’ He also plans on completing his much-anticipated memoirs. ‘They’ll be written in blood, of course,’ said Sauron’s literary agent in a phone interview. ‘It will all be very on-brand.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Sauron believed ready to cross the house

Following the latest Conservative MP, Natalie Elphick, to cross the house to join Labour other high-profile Tories have agreed to enter into discussions with the Labour Party, with a view to crossing the floor.

'Sir Keir Starmer is indeed in conversation with some notable Tory MPs,' confirmed a spokesman today.  'Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg is hoping to become the shadow trans spokesperson, Jonathan Gullis would love to be the shadow minister for common sense and Sir Keir agrees that Michael Gove is multi-faceted.  In fact, everybody agrees on that point,' he said.

A spokesperson for Suella Braverman has denied that she is considering joining Labour as 'it is looking way too right wing' for her.

Rumours that recently deposed MP for Mordor, Sauron, was considering joining the Labour team in time for the next election as their candidate for Middle Earth have been downplayed, though.  A spokes-orc for Sauron said, 'Sauron sees himself more of a Lib Dem type of guy.'

Photo by Douglas Bagg on Unsplash