Sauron Announces Retirement: Says Goals 'Mostly Achieved'

Sauron, the Dark Lord, announced his retirement today in a statement posted on his Instagram account. ‘With 170 of the 195 nations of the world ruled by total wankers, and humans spewing planet-searing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, I feel that my objectives here are mostly achieved,’ Sauron said. ‘And the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation just adds to the fun,’ the statement continued.

Sauron noted that what he’ll miss most about the job is working ‘hand in claw’ with such ‘star pupils’ as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. ‘Nothing is more gratifying than seeing excellent students master the subject matter so thoroughly,’ Sauron said. The Lidless Eye acknowledged that as a last official act he will help Trump by sending ‘a brace of Nazgul’ to kidnap Kamala Harris, adding, ‘It’s really the least I could do.’

 With the infinite time Sauron will now have available in retirement, he said he would probably ‘putter around the garden as anyone would, developing plant-based toxins usable in mass casualty events.’ He also plans on completing his much-anticipated memoirs. ‘They’ll be written in blood, of course,’ said Sauron’s literary agent in a phone interview. ‘It will all be very on-brand.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Sauron believed ready to cross the house

Following the latest Conservative MP, Natalie Elphick, to cross the house to join Labour other high-profile Tories have agreed to enter into discussions with the Labour Party, with a view to crossing the floor.

'Sir Keir Starmer is indeed in conversation with some notable Tory MPs,' confirmed a spokesman today.  'Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg is hoping to become the shadow trans spokesperson, Jonathan Gullis would love to be the shadow minister for common sense and Sir Keir agrees that Michael Gove is multi-faceted.  In fact, everybody agrees on that point,' he said.

A spokesperson for Suella Braverman has denied that she is considering joining Labour as 'it is looking way too right wing' for her.

Rumours that recently deposed MP for Mordor, Sauron, was considering joining the Labour team in time for the next election as their candidate for Middle Earth have been downplayed, though.  A spokes-orc for Sauron said, 'Sauron sees himself more of a Lib Dem type of guy.'

Photo by Douglas Bagg on Unsplash

Channel 4 Announces New Reality Show: Don't Tell the Mother

From the producers of “Don’t Tell the Bride,” the hit reality show where adorably incompetent men take responsibility for planning their own weddings without their wives-to-be, comes the brand new concept: “Don’t Tell the Mother.”

This show follows first-time dads as they control every detail of their expectant partner’s birth plan, leaving everything a surprise until the big day.

Dave, a brick-layer with a tribal tattoo and too much confidence, planned a droll delivery for his partner Ellie by replacing all the midwives with Elvis impersonators and arranging for her to deliver on the pitch of his beloved Wembley stadium as he thought “it would be a laugh.”

28-year-old Michael might not know what an epidural is, but he does know the meaning of Epicurean—ok he doesn’t, but that didn’t stop him from pulling out all the stops and planning an Oktoberfest-themed birthing plan, glutted with tankards of Stella so he and his friends could wet the baby’s head before wife Char was 3cm dilated. As the drink and the amniotic fluid flowed, Micheal welcomed his son into the world to the serenading of a Bavarian Oompah band while Char’s perineum was sutured. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Despite viewing this japery as one final, light-hearted hurrah before the commitments of fatherhood, the mothers often fail to see the funny side. “When he insisted on cutting the umbilical cord with a replica of the Narsil sword from the Fellowship of the Ring, that’s where I drew the line,” 26-year-old Emily confesses, whose film-buff husband’s commitment to a Lord of the Rings themed delivery landed her and her infant daughter in the ICU. “He hired a Gandalf to be my doula. He kept referring to my crowning baby’s head as the Eye of Sauron and bellowing “You shall not pass!!” at any medical personnel who were trying to assist with the cord prolapse. And I’m not naming her Galadriel for f*cks sake.”

“People keep congratulating me on having my first baby,” Jane smiles, smearing an adult nappy in aloe vera and witch-hazel as her newborn howls at her breast. Husband Derek is rewinding after the stress of planning the big day. “But it’s not true; I’ve been a mother ever since I got married.”

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash