Christmas Cracker Jokes

Here is our seasonal medley of Christmas cracker jokes. Some of them are traditional favourites. And some of them are home groan...

Q. What's the best way to steal treacle?

A. Syruptitiously

Q. What do shepherds put on their walls?

A. Flock wallpaper

Q: What is the most common owl in Britain?

A: The "teet"

Q. What's the most common owl in America?

A. The superb

Q. Why did the crow join the fitness class?

A. To improve his caw strength.

Q. What's E.T. short for?

A. Because he's got little legs!

Q. Which Californian city gave Father Christmas an alternative name?

A. Santa Moniker

Q. How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

A. Pantene

Q. Where is the best place in the world to sketch Dracula?

A. Pencilvania

Q. What's the difference between a large toilet roll & a small one?

A. On the whole, no difference

Q. What do you call social media for religious people?

A. FaithTime

Q. What's not on Andrew's cake this Christmas?

A. Royal icing

Q. What royals is Andrew having for Christmas lunch?

A. Jersey royals

Q. What's on the Louvre Christmas card this year?

A. A robin

With contributions from deskpilot, granger, hokeyloki, jeremynh, and modelmaker.

Arrested Louvre thieves ask to be transferred to Chelsmsford Prison - at least temporarily

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Louvre gang aims for first sub-four-minute robbery

The four-man gang who carried out the daring daylight raid on the Louvre say that, although the seven-minutes it took is a personal best, they are now aiming to shave at least one, two or even three minutes from their next job.

Gang member Gaston Leroi, not his real name, posted on social media: 'The sub-four-minute heist has long been the goal of museum and gallery thieves, ever since Roger Bannister broke the four-minute barrier in Oxford in 1954 with three stolen textbooks from Blackwell’s stuffed down his shorts.'

Police believe the thieves are likely to have retreated to their training ground deep in the French countryside, and are asking farmers to keep an eye on any outbuildings. The gang has said they are happy to undergo a drugs test to prove they did not use any performance enhancing substances during the Louvre raid. 'Thieves who do that are cheating,' Leroi added. 'It’s dishonest.'

Meanwhile, the truck that carried the mechanical ladder has received a €100 parking ticket and there is continuing disagreement over who will pay. The museum has scribbled ‘Sarkozy to cover’ on a note underneath one of the wipers.

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0