Monkeys demand free upgrade to Homo sapiens status

'We were amazed to find we share 97 percent of our genes with humans.' says a monkey spokesman. 'We had no idea. Here we were swinging from trees and picking nits out of each others' fur, not realising we're distantly related to the Royal Family.'

Zoology professor Peter Romilly says, 'Turning into humans has its advantages, such as getting to cover your genitals and being issued with a Social Security number. However, these lower primates really need to have more patience and not be so pushy. Normally it takes 2-3 million years to evolve upright posture and the ability to play video games". He also believes monkeys would have to go into hiding from religious fundamentalists if they start "flaunting evolution.'

Not all monkeys want to upgrade. 'I'd miss the carefree simian lifestyle, says one chimpanzee, 'just hanging out in the forest chattering and throwing our faeces at each other. And what about the bonobos - how would they manage to go on fornicating 24/7 if they turn into humans? They can't all be competitors on Love Island.'

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Prince Andrew appointed trade envoy to Love Island

Liz Truss insisted that Andrew could bring a wealth of experience about private islands, inappropriate love and pizza related alibis. One aide commented: ‘They both seemed so excited, we didn’t have the heart to tell them that Love Island is not a real country’.

Prince Andrew is said to have been ready to leave in an instant, having had his bags packed for a hasty exit months ago. He did insist that his new role would be covered by diplomatic immunity, anonymity on Tinder and an untraceable Search History.

Meanwhile, the International Trade Secretary has made her mark by appointing a string of inappropriate envoys; including Oliver Cromwell to Ireland, Henry V to France and Kate Hoey to anywhere. Many have sarcastically commented that Truss was just pulling names out of a hat, while her aide explained: ‘It’s not that that strategic’.

Andrew will be solely responsible for the import and export of love to the UK, with his primary focus on emerging markets – ‘nothing too old’ he demanded. Unlike other Royals who have been accused of not working hard, Andrew promised to be very hands on.

Image by adamkontor from Pixabay

Producers of ‘Middle-age Love Island’ give up and go home

At a no-expense-spared, fully-accessible villa on the sun-kissed Isle of Wight, a TV production crew and twenty contestants on the show 'Middle-Age Love Island' are packing their bags and going home. Executive Producer Martin Jackson explains, ‘The contestants were a nightmare. It was too hot during the day so all they did was sleep, but then it was too hot at night and they were wide awake, moaning about being wide awake.'

'We had to use the bleep button to cover all the involuntary body noises being emitted and conversations were so heavily edited for offence, all that was left to broadcast was a pack of adults tum-ti-tumming, whistling random tunes or making exertion grunts whenever they moved. There was nothing happening sexually, any fumblings under a duvet were usually to find glasses or elbow snorers, that’s not good TV.’

‘Re-couplings involved pairings matched with compatible medications. We did manage to get one new couple on a date and they never spoke. In fact, for two of the days no one spoke at all! When they did it was to boast about the achievements of their progeny, which ended up in tit-for-tat snobbery.’

‘The bickering was good TV at first, but after they divided the villa up between separate groups and began to build fences we said enough is enough. I’m putting this whole sorry episode behind me, I’m sure we’ll have more fun in Thailand with ‘Goth Nihilism Cave’.