Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies

Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers.

The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparently printed in the EU and may well be among the goods delayed by the queue of trucks waiting to board ferries.

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Scope of Met investigation goes too far

Police Commissioner resigns after beating a confession out of herself

The Metropolitan Police spokesperson confirmed: ‘Dame Cressida oversaw a regime of misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment – but sadly all good things have to come to an end. The Prime Minister would like to put on record his thanks to her, for covering up his record and keeping schtum about Jack the Ripper.

‘Sadly, while in police custody, she is said to have repeatedly fallen down a staircase. No witnesses were on hand to see her do it, but she was later found hanging in her cell, next to a full confession for the murders of JFK, Tupac Shakur and BBC Light Entertainment’.

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