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‘Racist, misogynist, homophobic’ - BoJo is ideal Met Police Chief

Just in case his lies get him sacked yet again, Boris Johnson is supposedly intrigued by the Casey Report's description of the Met Police as ‘racist, misogynistic and homophobic’. One aide said ‘That description sounds like something Boris can really get behind - in good faith and on the basis of what he honestly believes. Then he can do a misleading but unintentional 180 whenever it becomes expedient.’

One Tory MP said ‘If Boris does get kicked out, he’d need to go somewhere where “racism, misogyny and homophobia” is the motto, probably in Latin under the crest. The Met Police seems like a logical fit – he could go door to door in Uxbridge and South Ruislip and taser everyone who doesn’t vote for him on whatever charges he likes.’

Meanwhile Nadine Dorries’ office appeared to confirm that the same woman who didn’t know who pays for Channel 4, will self-immolate outside the Privileges Committee Rooms if her hero Boris was found guilty of having misled the House of Commons. As petrol is still pretty expensive, several thousand yet-to-be-pulped copies of Dorries’ novels will be used as kindling.

A statement, possibly written by Dorries herself (in crayon and in capitals) read ‘BJ didn’t mislead the House because everyone already knew he was lying. I call him BJ because... well... you can work it out for yourselves.’

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