Drug dealers concerned customers are unsure of imperial measurements

A spokesman for the National Union of Drug Dealers has expressed concerns that customers and pushers will not understand imperial measurements when changes come into force.

"We've always dealt in grams", Spider Harris told our reporter. "The customers will have no idea how much to buy and, to be quite honest, I'm not sure many of my members will either."

"It'll be the ruin of us. A one gram wrap for £20 will now be a 0.035 ounce wrap. We're gonna need new scales. My employees won't be able to quickly work out grams to ounces by dividing current wraps by 28.364. Most of them didn't go to school, if they'd got maths GCSE, they wouldn't be working for me, would they?"

A spokesman for Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, released a statement saying the PM was concerned for the future of the trade and that the Department for Work and Pensions is looking into an advertising campaign, credit card sized conversion charts, new scales and extra training for dealers at this difficult time.

Image: Unsplash/GRAS GRUN

Drug dealers concerned customers are unsure of imperial measurements

A spokesman for the National Union of Drug Dealers has expressed concerns that customers and pushers will not understand imperial measurements when changes come into force.

"We've always dealt in grams", Spider Harris told our reporter. "The customers will have no idea how much to buy and, to be quite honest, I'm not sure many of my members will either."

"It'll be the ruin of us. A one gram wrap for £20 will now be a 0.035 ounce wrap. We're gonna need new scales. My employees won't be able to quickly work out grams to ounces by dividing current wraps by 28.364. Most of them didn't go to school, if they'd got maths GCSE, they wouldn't be working for me, would they?"

A spokesman for Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, released a statement saying the PM was concerned for the future of the trade and that the Department for Work and Pensions is looking into an advertising campaign, credit card sized conversion charts, new scales and extra training for dealers at this difficult time.

Image: Unsplash/GRAS GRUN

Metric martyrs chain-ed in a bushel and peck-ed furlong time

Supermarket shelves may be empty, but that zero may need no longer be measured in metric.

Greengrocer Bob Bridlington says he once served 10 years in an EU maximum security prison for using imperial measurements, adding: ‘I deliberately cannot understand that 1000 grams is 1 kilogram. I prefer 16 drachms per ounce, 16 ounces per pound, then inexplicably 14 pounds per stone. Then 112 pounds per hundredweight, as God intended. We should ban apostrophe’s too because it feels European and I forget not to use them for plural’s.’

Scientist Shelley Stevenson asked ‘5 fluid ounces per gill, but 4 gills per pint. 3 barleycorns per inch but also 22 yards per furlong. What? Do I have to buy black market beakers now?’

A Tory strategist noted ‘Michael Gove is converting his cocaine order as we speak. Also, there’ll be more Olympic medals for Team GB because yards are shorter than metres, so we’ll have a head start.’

Image: Pixabay/mojzagrebinfo