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The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.


Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution.  Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least.  Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.


‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.


‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools.  Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since.  We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams.  When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.


The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.


image from Google Gemini


The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.


Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.


10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.


If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.


Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.


Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.


There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.


Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.


The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!


The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.


President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!


Image: Wix AI

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