Newspaper sub-editor admits addiction to headlines about middle-class cocaine use

A sub-editor for one of the UK's biggest newspapers has spoken of her dependency on headlines about the middle-class absolutely blattering charlie.

'I first tried it just to be social,' she said. 'But after that first rush of 'Chelsea tractors and chang: yummy mummies school gates gak fest' I found myself needing more. Before I knew it I was writing 'Elena Ferrante fuelled by the ol' Jimmy Durante: book clubs drug-binge shame' and it still wasn't enough.'

The sub-editor who has asked not to be named for fear of colleagues following her into the toilets and asking her to share a headline, said it was a UK-wide problem.

'Have you seen the maps? Tabloid or broadsheet, no one can resist a map of cocaine-related hospital admissions or arrests. Stick it up, add 'UK snow storm: well-off in naughty flake blizzard' and the article writes itself.'

Like all addicts, the sub-editor reached a point where they hit rock bottom. 'It was Waitrose that did it,' she said. 'Once I'd published 'Rolled-up fivers and muff divers: posh supermarket car park drug-sex epidemic' I knew I need help.'

Image: moritz320 - Pixabay

Badenoch reveals: 'I identify as a white upper class racist'

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Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the 14-year-old.

In the article, Templeton-Dorset began with a long history of beetroot and feta followed by quotes from manufacturers, fans and a spokeswoman from the BFG (Beetroot and Feta Groupies), an organisation recently proscribed by home secretary Yvette Cooper.

'The whole f***ing point of a Guardian comment piece is to make it all about you, no matter how tedious,' wrote Sally Nibbles on Facebook. 'Absolutely outrageous. I did a spellcheck on the article and no ‘I’ came up.

'I was looking forward to reading about someone’s personal struggle with a jam jar that wouldn’t open, or why their pepper mill didn’t work, or why Courchevel is better than St Moritz this year, but…'

A spokesman for The Guardian offered sincere apologies for offence caused. 'We understand it caused a lot of distress. It was a one-off that backfired. We tried re-educate the writer as to the normal and expected Guardian style when it comes to root vegetables and Greek cheese, but he was having none of it.'

Photo by AbsolutVision on Unsplash