Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

A spokesman for Hasbro has confirmed the UK government has proscribed Action Man.  'Apparently they are proscribing anything with Action in the title.  Also because we did release a figure with a tea towel for a head covering recently,' he said.  'Probably a coincidence.'

A government spokesman said, 'We are engaging in each and any way to protest using the word Action.  Don't even try writing "Action. Man" either, we're well wise to that.  We have acted quickly to ensure any threat from Action Man is neutered.

A spokeswoman for Barbie commented, 'Neutered  Have you ever looked under his shorts?'

Photo by Thuận Minh on Unsplash

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Edgar Chronic, 78, is known locally for his life mantra that 'it's a funny old world'. For some reason he stopped using the phrase when the winter fuel allowance was stopped last year and for reasons not fully understood failed to resume laughing after his daughter, Brenda, mentioned that she supported the watered down assisted dying bill.

Experts studying Edgar did discern a flicker of a smile when the US bombed Iran. He was heard to mutter something about everyone getting an assisted death now.

Photo by yerling villalobos on Unsplash

WW3 postponed due to ban on Arabic numerals

As US President Donald Trump personally deploys bunker busting bombs on Iran by leaning out of a B2 bomber, critics who claim he is kick-starting the next World War have been told it isn't true.

'I have signed an Executive Order today banning the numbers used in World Wars belonging to the United States as historically the losers who named them used Arabic numerals. Hence I have insisted that this big, beautiful World War I have started bigly is to be numbered in American numerals. Nobody can start a World War better than me,' added the President.

Experts have tried pointing out that historically Roman numerals have frequently been used, such as World War I and World War II. 'This would make it World War III,' pointed out one expert. An Executive Order banning the use of either 4 or IV after the words 'World War' is considered entirely unnecessary.

Photo by Karl Callwood on Unsplash