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In a chilling and perhaps portentous reminder, Home Secretary James Cleverly announced a 5 point plan to form a "protective ring" around immigrant health and care workers.



On announcing the measures he told the press conference that he would like cut annual immigration figures by 300,000 and stepping closer to the microphone said, "by any means necessary".



The measures are detailed as:


  • Ban health and care workers bringing family dependants, personal affects, memories, clothes, medical needs, aspirations to citizenship and shifty looks to the UK.

  • End companies being able to pay workers 20% less than the going rate for jobs on a shortage occupation list and insist they pay them 80% less and make them sleep onsite in what Mr Cleverly calls "Houses of Work". They will not be able to leave these houses until they have paid into the national coffers for 17 years.

  • Increase the annual charge foreign workers pay to use the NHS from £624 to £100,035 with a 60% surcharge going to national interests (The Conservative Party).

  • Raise the minimum income for family visas to £382,700 from £26,200, from next spring, all applicants will be assigned a cabinet member to work with on VIP, no question asked Government supply deals.

  • Ask the government's migration adviser to review the graduate visa route to "prevent foreigners learning too much".


Mr Cleverly has vowed to "do what is required of me by The Telegraph and The Mail" to bring down net migration and to fan the flames of the culture war.


Opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has declined to comment until he hears what most people are saying.



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A large black disco ball with one side caved in has appeared hovering over the Kent coast. The seemingly incomplete dark sphere surprised many yesterday when it fired a high-powered laser beam into the English Channel.


'I didn't think it was working yet,' admitted Dover resident, Stacy Wade. 'But it appears to be able to pulverise anything it is aimed at. I think there is something wrong with one of its settings though, because it was only supposed to be targeting small boats. It made mincemeat of a medical supplies cargo tanker, and all that's left of the 2:15 from Calais is a singed crate of Stella Artois bobbing on the water.'


An unnamed hooded figure croaked, 'Now the forces of good will know the true reason for the black hole in the nation's finances. This death star will not be used merely to destroy the paltry vessels of asylum seekers, we will obliterate all Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati. It is my dream to see a front page of the Telegraph featuring the smouldering ruins of red wall constituencies. Come over to the dark side, or face annihilation.'




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