Birds flying south for the winter have no intention of coming back to Britain

Flocks of different bird species heading south do not intend to return to the UK. A spokes-goose at the head of a flying V formation admitted, 'You're having a lark, eh? There's no way we are coming back to this puffinturd shitshow.'

'All of the lakes, ponds and rivers have human and pig crap in them. There's a lot we'll put up with in swamplands, but chickenshit? No chance - we're off for good, and it's aboot time. From up here we get a bird's eye view of everything. To say it doesn't look promising is a yellowhammer piddle of an understatement. Folks putting out bird feed is on the decline. Even old Tom down the park can't afford to chuck us any of that stale bread anymore.'

Trevor, a penduline tit from South Wales tweeted, 'There is an acute shortage of affordable property. Available birdhouses are on the decline, and it's obvious that our hatchlings will never be able to fly the nest. Frankly, those moat mallards who got that fancy property via an illegal expenses claim can stick their bills up their arses.'

Jessica, a starling from The Wash chirped despondently, 'Most of the juicy insects have been killed off by industrial farming practises which should have been made illegal. You dump that amount of lethal chemicals onto arable land, and you can't expect anything but a swift decline in farming on a national scale. I'm off, and we're not even migratory.

Geoff, a not so common sparrow from Dorset blew the whistle on what is going on right across the entire avian community. 'Literally anywhere is better than this shambles. Even that Canary Island with a constantly roaring volcano, rivers of lava and clouds of choking ash would be an improvement.'

Image: Pixabay:Lolame

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	New book for sale	Something Different
​Big Bird admits role in vaccine conspiracy	With over 800 comedy articles	EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English

Priti Patel - the face that sank a thousand ships

Boats in the English Channel carrying refugees can now be turned around on the whim of Home Secretary and third rate Bond villain Priti Patel, who is said to have bought an evil white cat to celebrate.

One junior Home Office flunky twitched nervously as they whispered: ‘She might use the power of her smirk to summon up high winds and favourable tides for washing the refugee rafts back to the French coast. There’s another theory that she wants to use the new Royal Yacht so that she can sink their dinghies of despair, literally in her wake, all whilst sipping champagne on the deck and wearing a fleece with her name on.’

French officials say Britain would be breaking international maritime law, but have in turn been criticised for expecting the Tories to abide by any law that doesn’t pander to their base or directly enrich their friends and colleagues.