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Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"


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Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.


Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."


‘I didn’t shit myself, I sat in coffee’ claims Republican


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A US Republican Senator filmed fleeing down a fire escape during last year’s storming of congress has stated that the brown spreading pattern clearly visible on the seat of his pants was ‘an accident with a faulty starbucks cup’, it was reported today.


‘I was in my office, relaxing against the desk and wondering what all the noise was when I felt a warm spreading sensation in the rear’ said the senator. ‘It was the intern’s latte, Those cups are meant to withstand a pressure of at least 150lb’. The senator declared that he only ran down the fire escape to try and dry himself off, and that he was considering suing the coffee company for reputational damages and dry cleaning bills.


‘Yes, I know you have footage of me declaring I’d never been so scared in my life, but then I’ve led a very sheltered life’, declared the senator. ‘Sitting on that coffee cup was literally the most scary thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. A baying mob calling for the overthrown of the state and waving guns around is nothing compared to a normal Trump rally’.





Driving laws that remain unchanged for 2022


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January 1st 2022 saw a slew of new driving laws come into place, including making it illegal to use your mobile phone whilst at the wheel, and giving cyclists more rights on the road. But many driving rules haven't changed at all - here Newsbiscuit helpfully sets out 6 immutable laws of the highway: 1. Audi drivers do not need to give way at any junction. Ever. Since the 1980s, as soon as the keys are handed over to any Audi driver, they have gained automatic exemption from stopping at a junction, and can instead, just accelerate out into a busy road without even a cursory glance left or right, leaving others to slam on their brakes and shout out an inevitable 'tosser' into the ether. 2. Lorry drivers only engage with other lorry drivers on motorways. That warm glow you get when a fellow driver thanks you with a left-right-left of their indicators after you've let them know with a double light flash that its safe for them to move back to the inside lane after passing you? Don't expect it from a lorry driver unless you're driving a vehicle yourself that weighs more than 10 tonnes, preferably one with some neon lighting behind the drivers' seat spelling out a quirky name like 'Roadrunner' or 'Truckers' Luck'. Instead, if you're a car driver, expect to see plenty of passive-aggressive behaviour from lorry drivers, including getting so close behind you that they could reach out and grab one of the boiled sweets sat beside you in the tray near your handbrake. 3. Failure to thank another driver for letting you through on a busy road remains a criminal offence. They've stopped to let you through for godsakes. Even though the parked car that is blocking part of the road is on YOUR side of the road, and they're coming up a hill. Not giving them a quick wave, and silently mouthing 'thank you' whilst looking them straight in the eye, should frankly have a minimum tariff in jail of 5 years. The exception is BMW 5-series drivers, whose lobotomies have left them unable to express empathy or social niceties of any kind. 4. If you overshoot by 1p dispensing petrol at the pump, you must continue up to the next £ up. Even though card and contactless devices means any combination of pound and pence can be paid for, are you really going to go through the walk of shame into the shop and face the cashier knowing that you have a petrol ejaculation problem? No, of course you aren't. now get back to pump 3 and have another go, loser. 5. It is compulsory to express incredulity at the prices in service stations and to wonder at the underlying business model. One pound bas*ard 45p for a double decker!! One pound 45! Ideally you should try and do a back of the envelope calculation about average spend per customer, and to speculate animatedly with whoever you are with about how many people just go in there for a piss without buying anything at all. 6. If there are 2 lanes of cars stopped at traffic lights and you are at the front in one of the lanes, you have to start humming the Formula 1 theme tune and rev your engine slightly, giving a quick glance across to the driver in the next lane, even if you have the slowest hunk of junk for a car around. It remains good practice to inch forward together in anticipation of the lights changing, before stalling your own car unceremoniously when lights go green. 7. You must pretend you know what your mechanic is talking about when they run through the results of your annual service with you, even though you literally have no idea. Rusty wheel arch fender? Got it, yep, I know that's a common problem on this model. Unexpected alternator voltage spikes - of course, hope you can despike them for me.




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