Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award

The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.

"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."

Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."

When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."

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photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

First published 5 Oct 2022

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Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club. Most of these should never pass a school never mind the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Let’s have a look at the evil vultures circling the lower league.

Baron Silas Greenback Currently an evil toad and the main enemy of Danger Mouse, he is interested in buying or stealing clubs in the first step towards world domination. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

The Kid Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Taking particular interest in the youth teams and academy setups of struggling clubs, he is quoted as saying, “There are children here somewhere. I can smell them” He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Hans Gruber After surviving the fall from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard, Mr Gruber has put together a team of specialists from Europe to acquire clubs in desirable areas. He is aiming to sell the land and then blow up the stadiums, then in the ensuing chaos, disappear off and sit on a beach earning 20%. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test under the name Bill Clay.

Jason Whittingham The current owner of Morecambe since May 2018, soon to be prowling the lower leagues for a new target. He has been a director at 25 companies during his career, 18 have been either dissolved, voluntarily dissolved, put into administration, put into liquidation, or put into receiver action (the precursor stage to liquidation), but he still passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test. (All True)

Jabba the Hutt Jabba eat doe football team um staff um dwana doe ground tah Saudi Arabia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jabba has passed doe efl's owners' um directors' test.

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Speaker investigates investigation into Speaker by Speaker

The House of Commons Speaker, Lindsey Hoyle, has declared that there can be no independent investigation into his illicit behaviour, because he has a note from his Mum. Mr.Hoyle went further to explain that there was nothing to see and even if there was, he was ill that day.

Having taken thousands in freebies and lobbyist kickbacks, he was quick to point out that it was all a coincidence, as he has always liked money. The fact that he had shut down votes on the instruction of a foreign government was nothing odd - he does it all the time. Blocking the release of evidence that might incriminate him, he laughed maniacally and boasted you'll never take me alive.

Donald Trump is said to be interested in retaining Mr.Hoyle as a defence lawyer. Prince Andrew is said to be furious that he did not think of it first.

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