- Rogerg
- Aug 27, 2024
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The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:
1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.
2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.
3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.
4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.
The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.
image from pixabay
'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today. 'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.
Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out. Pronto. They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.
'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts. Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.
One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman. 'Did you not hear the bit about the cane? We're talking Tories here,' he said.Â
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