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As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club. Most of these should never pass a school never mind the EFL's owners' and directors' test.


Let’s have a look at the evil vultures circling the lower league.


Baron Silas Greenback Currently an evil toad and the main enemy of Danger Mouse, he is interested in buying or stealing clubs in the first step towards world domination. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.


The Kid Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Taking particular interest in the youth teams and academy setups of struggling clubs, he is quoted as saying, “There are children here somewhere. I can smell them” He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.


Hans Gruber After surviving the fall from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard, Mr Gruber has put together a team of specialists from Europe to acquire clubs in desirable areas. He is aiming to sell the land and then blow up the stadiums, then in the ensuing chaos, disappear off and sit on a beach earning 20%. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test under the name Bill Clay.


Jason Whittingham The current owner of Morecambe since May 2018, soon to be prowling the lower leagues for a new target. He has been a director at 25 companies during his career, 18 have been either dissolved, voluntarily dissolved, put into administration, put into liquidation, or put into receiver action (the precursor stage to liquidation), but he still passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test. (All True)


Jabba the Hutt Jabba eat doe football team um staff um dwana doe ground tah Saudi Arabia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jabba has passed doe efl's owners' um directors' test.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive / Wix AI

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The House of Commons Speaker, Lindsey Hoyle, has declared that there can be no independent investigation into his illicit behaviour, because he has a note from his Mum. Mr.Hoyle went further to explain that there was nothing to see and even if there was, he was ill that day.


Having taken thousands in freebies and lobbyist kickbacks, he was quick to point out that it was all a coincidence, as he has always liked money. The fact that he had shut down votes on the instruction of a foreign government was nothing odd - he does it all the time. Blocking the release of evidence that might incriminate him, he laughed maniacally and boasted you'll never take me alive.


Donald Trump is said to be interested in retaining Mr.Hoyle as a defence lawyer. Prince Andrew is said to be furious that he did not think of it first.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

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What are the worst things to see on a crowdfunding site - the one's that are so misguided and wrong, and that no-one in their right mind is ever going to give money to? We asked our correspondents for their thoughts – and here they are...


Fundraising for the undeserving


  • Help out of work celebrities reverse their awful Botox


  • Give Elon Musk his $288m back (refunding his support for the Trump campaign in 2024)


  • The re-elect Liz Truss campaign


  • The Colorado Beetle appreciation society


  • Lets buy Meghan a damehood, and James Corden a knighthood


  • I need £100k to win back my gambling debts of £200k


  • Help fund Prince Andrew's legal costs


  • Plausible deniability training for tax evaders


Fundraising for pointless things


  • Return the Mary Rose to the sea-bed


  • More bat tunnels for HS2


  • Restart manufacture of black & white telly's


  • Invent the room darkening light bulb


  • Expand the network of wasp nests to discourage picnics


  • Acting lessons for footballers to enable them to feign injury more convincingly


  • Amplifiers to be fitted to grunting tennis players


  • Boris Johnson: The Movie


Fundraising for things that sound very risky


  • Funding to cross-breed the Chihuahua and Saint Bernard


  • Scuba diving for COPD sufferers


  • Prophet Muhammed drawing classes


  • Campaign for even more ultra processed food


  • Help foreign powers build new and better Covid variants


Fundraising for things that are just weird and alarming


  • Arse of Boris Johnson, facing France, to be carved into White Cliffs of Dover


  • Get a comments section stitched onto the end of the Bayeux tapestry.


  • Provide free hanky's to go with every panky


  • Volume two of David Cameron's memoirs


  • Help fund the banning of crowdfunding



Writing credits: contributions from deskpilot, will, sinnick, rowly, FlashArry, midfield diamond, james_doc

Picture credit: Wix AI


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