Bank protests after man refuses to open account with them

A bank, which cannot be named for legal reasons, has issued a formal complaint that a potential customer is refusing to deposit any money with them. In a statement made to the BBC, the bank claimed that 'He clearly had a problem, for some reason, with us providing banking services to various dodgy overseas customers based in the Cayman Isles, Russia and Belarus, Sicily, Myanmar, North Korea, plus a few Nigerian Princes as well as funding several arms companies making chemical and biological weapons. If he only knew some of our worst clients are in the City of London.'

'Load of bollocks' said Robert Cratchett 'I simply hadn't got enough money to make it worth opening a bank account anywhere. I have offered the bank my resignation.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

Tories sack cleaners - ministers forced to launder own money

Despite having a leader whose lifestyle is unaffected by his wife losing £49m, it appears that the Conservative Party is now so skint, it has sacked all the cleaners at party HQ.

Ministers are now taking turns with hoovering and washing up, although no-one has yet dared ask Dominic Raab to empty the dishwasher. Our source said that "Party donors have been drying up", although it isn't clear whether there is a rota for this.

While some ministers haven't scrubbed anything since boarding school, Lee "30p" Anderson is said to be in his element, and has been eagerly sharing his top tips on how to cheaply remove stains from your conscience, and how to get your whites white again.

Meanwhile it is hoped that with the Tories' leading lights busy cleaning the toilets, the country might enjoy a spell of good government for once and be spared from going down the pan.

Hat tip to modelmaker

www.newsbiscuit.com

Palace uncertain what to do about cash hidden in Queen's mattress

Buckingham Palace staff have discovered around £1bn stuffed in a mattress in the Queen's bedchamber. "We always knew she kept a few bob hidden away in there" a footman reported. "But we never knew it was this much. Now we have a dilemma, because it's all in paper notes, which cease to be legal tender at the end of September."

A spokesperson for the Treasury said: "Large amounts of cash is usually indicative of money laundering, which when it comes to light, normally involves vigorous investigation, but since the queen is dead, there seems very little point in pursuing the matter."

Image/Pixabay/jma659