'Stop calling me Moscow Donald!" screams Moscow Donald

'The very next person who calls me Moscow Donald, I'll sue them!' said Donald Trump, speaking from underneath his bearskin hat while sharing a tureen of borsch with Vladimir Putin and Sergei Lavrov.

'I'm not Moscow Donald and I never have been!' growled the quisling, downing vodka shots and reviewing T-72 tanks from the Kremlin walls.

'Just because I have billions of dollars tied up in building contracts in Russia, and they have a pee-pee tape in their vaults featuring me and a load of hookers, is no justification for uttering the words 'Moscow Donald',' insisted the traitor to Western civilisation.

'There, you see?' he said. 'I just said them again. I'll sue myself!' before he wandered off, whistling the Internationale.

Image: WixAI

Putin nominated for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.

Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.

‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’

The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.

‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’

Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.

‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’

Meanwhile, outside a tall building in Moscow ...