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"They say up here that it can't be found," said Harold Parkinson-Truman, a retired VAT inspector from Wakefield, packing up a hi-viz vest, some Kendal mint cake and a postcard of Tower Bridge to help when asking directions.


"But I've lived along the M1 all my life. I've seen it in its rush hours and when it's fogbound, and I'm going to devote my autumn years to finding the fabled source of it - way down at Junction 1 in that London."


Consoling his weeping wife and ferret, Harold continued: "They don't want me to go down south and start taking on their ways, like attending the opera at Glynebourne and supporting Chelsea. But I've been told tales of the wonderful exotic food they have in ChoZen Noodle at London Gateway services. The allure's too great to resist.


"They say that once a coachload of football supporters from Barnsley set off down the M1 to try and watch an FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient, but the authorities turned them back at the Watford Gap.


"My plan is to sneak into the Home Counties by nipping through the fields somewhere around Daventry. Then I'll pitch camp at Watford for the final leg down to Brent Cross.


"I hope the local tribesmen are friendly."


"We're not," a spokes-tribesman for Brent visitors' centre said gruffly, when told of Harold's expedition.


Asked if he had any tips for the intrepid explorer to north-west London, the tourist official answered simply: "Wear a stab proof vest."






The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.


‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.


Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.


‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’


Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash


First published 2 July 2024



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A picture of a car 'hogging' the motorway middle lane at 5am has kicked off a row online. The picture shows a car in the middle lane on the M5 seemingly completely alone, with no other vehicles anywhere to be seen.


Frustrated by the white BMW driver, thousands have taken to Twitter to complain, raging that drivers should keep to the left and speculating that maybe the driver was a drug dealer or up to “no good”.


One enraged Twitter user “Furiosa27” said, 'it’s just like Mad Max out there, how the hell can he afford the petrol for that thing, he must be selling drugs, or organs or something.'


'I bet he’s a right c@nt - he’s hogging the whole motorway - bloody Beamer drivers,' said @rokatansky49.


'He hasn’t even used his winkers once when changing lane,' said @auntieentity39.


First published 27 June 2022



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