Hobbits must defeat orcs to reach Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show bus pass

Hobbits have been urged to set out early after questing rules were tightened by Lord Sauron. Anyone under 5ft tall is now required to bring nine magical rings to Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show a bus pass, a 60+ rail card, or a bag of Werther's Originals.

Dark Lord Sauron insists he is tightening the rules to combat questing-fraud. Lord Aragont, Legless the Brave, Coffey the dwarf, Suella the Balrog, and the Daily Mail have all welcomed the changes.

Critics fear the number of heroes setting out to save Middle-Earth from destruction will fall. Hobbits and warriors have been urged to set off by last year at the latest.

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Everything changes but poo - Snowdon's stra-turd-gy for growth

Welsh tourism chiefs have revealed that the sheer volume of doodoo on Snowdon is no accident - although some will have been accidents.

A spokeswoman said 'The more poop there is, the higher the mountain gets. Snowdon is top in Wales, but barely wipes the top 20 once you include the Scottish Highlands. We don't want to be turd or number 2 either, but we need 260m of faeces to catch Ben Nevis. Everything in our gift shop contains slow-acting laxatives. You've got enough time to get to the summit - nature does the rest.'

Derek Drummond from the Guinness Book of World Records said 'Total shithouses - actually I don't feel so good.'