MP vows to scrap remaining EU laws

Among the less than bright MPs contending for the post of Prime Minister is one who imagines that after leaving the EU and taking back control, there remain EU laws that British people are being subjected to. Commentators who witnessed the applause the MP gave on every occasion Boris Johnson said he got Brexit done are asking if she's quite the full shilling.

We asked a government lawyer what these outstanding EU laws might possibly be and were told by the lawyer that having looked up how many EU laws apply to the UK now, the list was blanker than a bagful of blank things.

However there may be something the contender for the PM post noticed, but the lawyers missed, so we've invited the MP to explain what these mysterious laws might be; and why we should fear them. We promise to post the MP's reply as soon as it's received and have stationed staff 24/7 On communications duty, in anticipation of hearing the reply.

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MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'.

Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hampshire Dry Humpers, during the week one may use parliamentary privilege to force a liaison on Monday, moving onto casual drink-spiking on Tuesday, but non-consensual groping is improper before Thursday. Wednesday should be limited to lewd texting of one’s Honourable Member, while Friday is traditionally persistent recreational upskirting and frottage on the commute home to one’s constituency.’

‘Obviously pretty much anything is permitted on Saturday and Sunday,’ Stephen “check out THIS red box!” Crabb, did not add a little too enthusiastically. ‘But - and I cannot stress this enough - only if the parliamentary offices and equipment regularly used for such are wiped clean of lube, xylazine, and Banana Nesquik. They tend to clog up the photocopiers, and it's clear staffers are down on their knees enough as it is. Incest and bestiality should really be confined to deeply rural constituencies, where it’s pretty much de rigueur.’

Asked whether Pincher, who managed to climb back up the greasy pole - allegedly multiple times according to fellow “Late Voting Nite” revellers - after facing serious sexual misconduct allegations in 2017, should fall on his own sword, Damian “quick, close the browser” Green looked shocked and definitely didn't say: ‘If he retains the lower back flexibility to do that at his age, I’d be surprised, impressed, and deeply envious.’

One Tory MP can feed a family of five for a year

As the debate rages as to whether the poor would prefer to starve on 30 or 40p a day, one generous MP has donated his giblets to a local food bank. He explained: 'I wanted to prove you could eat economically, provided you weren't too picky about the taste of human flesh'.

The MP reported to his nearest abattoir and his final remains were repackaged as veal cutlets. Said one grateful recipient: 'He was a great MP but an even tastier main. And there was so much meat on the bone - they must have been force feeding him for years'.

For those wanting a vegetarian option, a local councillor from the Green Party has been approached. One dietician remarked: 'MPs are a rich source of free range meat which, in turn, should be served with a rich sauce'. A spokeswoman for the Vegan society said: 'Normally we'd say meat is murder but in this case, we say go for it'.