MPs hoping to get big, gold medals for lying

Now that a substantial number of serving MPs are staring down the barrel of a pantomime gun with a banner hanging down saying 'P45' where trationally 'bang' would go, they are deciding on 'micro-qualifications' to help enable them to re-enter the job market, and medals for service have been suggested. Many of these MPs, who appear to be mainly supportive of right wing ideology, are finding potential employers have difficulty in determining what their skill sets actually are. Much like the electorate now, apparently.

One MP who is certain his tenure in the House of Commons is coming to an end said today, 'they agree I can talk about stuff, can be scathing about people who are in unfortunate positions and accept I want a big budget wage, but most have the head of HR job filled and don't need any more bastards in their organisations,' he pointed out.

Another commented on the medals, hoping they were to be made from pure gold and would be the size of dustbin lids, but privately just hoped the wads of notes in brown paper packages would continue to be pushed through his front door every thursday after he loses his seat. 'It's not like £84k plus £200k expenses are worth the effort - it's the backhanders, innit?' he said today.

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I do what I want. MPs need me for the content of their speeches

MPs banned from playing board games on last day before summer recess, says Speaker

MPs willl no longer be able to bring board games to play on the last day before the summer recess, Lindsay Hoyle, speaker of the house, has said.

Mr Hoyle said he had changed his mind because of the rowdy scenes before this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions, which led to Neale Hanvey and Kenny MacAskill from the Alba Party being expelled from the House of Commons.

“They have spoiled it for themselves and they have spoiled it for everybody else,” Mr Hoyle told dismayed MPs.

Sir Keir Starmer was heard to shout out: “Oh my god, that is well unfair!”

Some MPs are keen to display their best behaviour in order to persuade Mr Hoyle to change his mind. A number were seen sitting up straight with their fingers on their lips, and putting their hand up when they wanted to speak.

Also, Home Secretary Priti Patel has launched a Bring Back Hangman campaign, although when questioned about this she replied: “Game? What game?”

However, one civil servant has suggested that Mr Hoyle is using the rowdy behaviour as an excuse and is really wanting to avoid the scenes of chaos when the Prime Minister allowed the cabinet to bring in games last year.

“The Home Office were playing Operation, when the Health Department were playing Cluedo, and the Defence department were playing Monopoly while the Treasury were playing Battleships,” they said.

They added the problem could be blamed on a lack of leadership.

"A prime minister should be able to play political chess but this one can barely manage tiddlywinks," they said.

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