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Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability


Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb.


'Obvs we'd prefer a hydrogen bomb', a spokesmum said. ' 'A' bombs are a bit Tesco, hydrogen bombs are more Waitrose. Ooh, do you think we could get a neutron bomb? I don't even know which retail tier that would belong to. Harrods?'


Mumsnet got the idea for an independent nuclear deterrent after seeing how much Israel has been getting away with.


'Obvs we don't want to invade a foreign country or commit genocide', the spokesmum told us. 'It's more the principle. When we're negotiating better rates for piano lessons or asking the local council to offer free swimming lessons it will be good to be able to threaten to vaporise the town hall. We've had some modest successes with abductions and offing the odd official but we'd really like to take it to the next level'.


International nuclear watchdogs have expressed alarm at this latest nuclear proliferation, with one official saying 'We thought North Korea was batshit but these people terrify us'.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive



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Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised



Nadine Dorries is said to be fuming after an interviewer for the website Mumsnet was insufficiently deferential to Dorries’ boyfriend Boris Johnson. Dorries insisted Mumsnet hadn’t done itself any favours and that many people had her Mumsnet password. She also said Mumsnet needed to free itself of government subsidies. Even though it doesn’t get any, 96% of Nadine Dorries believes that it does.


A similar proportion of Tory MPs are raised by nannies and introduced to their mums (or ‘maters’) at a formal luncheon, not long after they reach the age of 8. On the same day, they receive a tub of Brylcreem and a firm handshake from their father, before being sent to boarding school for a daily thrashing.


Johnson later confided to advisors he agreed to the interview to meet MILFs.




First published 3 Jun 2022


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Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement



A 30 year old woman was today praised for getting a small, fluffy, white dog, despite still intending to go on and have children. She bought the Pomeranian, popular with various shades of female who have all but given up on even starting to attempt the arduous slog of finding a male capable of being relied upon, from a breeder renowned for padding out the modern lives of the anxious with dependable love.


The dog, which she has tentatively named, Strongandwontletmedown, apparently had no idea that its role was to be that of a companion rather than fetus substitute. ‘Little Strongandwontletmedown is yapping away for all the world as if I’m going to be one of those sorry sights pushing a dog down the street in a pram. I am not,’ she emphasized with just a tinge of evolving bitterness.


Strongandwontletmedown is a white a Pomeranian, a comparatively rare colour in the bloodline. Commentators are expressing fears that this extra level of pure cuteness may .distract the owner from the urge to motherhood. ‘She’s going to get a lot of positive attention on the street,’ said one male serial monogamist familiar with letting down women between the ages of 29 and 35. ‘The constant praise of Strongandwontletmedown’s beauty is inevitably going to mislead the woman into believing she had some genetic role in the dog’s looks and health. I’m worried that when Strongandwontletmedown dies she may move onto cats.’


‘I’ve seen it all before,’ said another tinder jockey. ‘Woman gets dog, says dog is not kid substitute, woman eventually dyes hair orange.’ But others are offering support. ‘By saying she can raise a dog and aspire to produce a human child she’s breaking new ground in the fight for something or other,’ it is thought a few female academics may have postulated. Meanwhile a mother of a teen on Mumsnet simply said, ‘I’ll swap.’


image from pixabay

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