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Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders




We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.


‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’


Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’


Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.




First published 14 Dec 2023


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Nation's serial killers announce dismemberment outsourcing deal

The National Union of Serial Killers today announced a ground-breaking dismemberment outsourcing deal allowing them to focus on core competencies.


“We’ve discussed the messy, time-consuming and dangerous business of dismemberment and disposal and decided that this can’t go on, “ said Barrat Conch, a prolific serial killer from Norfolk, “I mean, I love the profiling, the choosing of victims, the pursuit etc. But the aftermath is always a bit meh. I always am on a massive come down after killing so the last thing I want to do is think about acid baths and weighted bin bags.”


It thought that the organisation to win the contract is Capita, the government contractor, who has said that they have already mobilised a fleet of blacked out transit vans emblazoned with the services' slogan, “we’ll take it from here”.


“The British Serial killer is behind the times,” said Melissa Leckwith, head of Dismemberment Operations, “so we are proud to allow them to concentrate on the thing that they’re good at. And for the rest…”, she winked, “we’ll take it from here”.


Although details of the deal are sparse, it is thought that most “waste” will be either transported to Myanmar for disposal or made available for cattle feed.


H/T Titus



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