Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Jazz purists have insisted that to be considered cool, jazz gigs must no longer provide start times for shows because jazz 'doesn't begin or end, it just flows'.

The policy has attracted criticism from slightly less cool jazz aficionados who now have to use vibes to estimate where and when the gigs actually are. These main stream losers run the risk of being insufficiently smug, should they miss out.

'I thought I was listening to some really avant garde stuff' scatted one, throwing his beret to the ground in disgust. 'Turns out it was a homeless guy clinking bottles of meth off the side of a shopping trolley and yelling at pigeons. I listened for 45 minutes. To be honest, I prefer the guy's earlier, less commercial stuff.'

Photo by Dolo Iglesias on Unsplash

He’s shouting, and four other signs a man is listening to music

Performing a singular activity for a man can be a tortuous exercise, particularly if his focus and concentration have been hijacked by music plumbed straight into the ears.

He’s shouting

Other than the devices on or in his ears, an obvious sign that a man is listening to music is that anything spoken is ramped up to eleven. Usually: ‘WHAT?’, ’SPEAK UP, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!’, and the patently obvious: ‘I’M LISTENING TO MUSIC!!!’ whilst pointing to his ear.

He’s zoned out

The thousand yard stare exhibited by the man listening to music is a direct effect of his concentration being occupied by the mesmeric pulses occupying his brain. Waving your hand in front of his face will have little effect. You would get a better reaction conversing with a tree stump.

He’s bumping into things

Music and motion do not readily mix with men. Whilst walking, in his mind’s eye, the man will be Axl Rose, or god forbid, Bono. He will not be paying attention to potential hazards, but the motor functions of a his brain will continue unabated until exhaustion or collision render him unconscious.

He’s emitting random high-pitched noises

Due to not being able to hear his own voice, the man listening to music will not know whether he’s producing sound or not, resulting in a series of off-key squeaks being emitted that his brain believes to be lyrics. Trying to work out what he’s listening to would keep GCHQ busy for centuries.

He can’t do anything else

Compounding the adage that men cannot multitask; a man listening to music may valiantly attempt a variety of simple tasks, but ultimately will fail. Stirring a cup of tea or using a urinal will see each activity performed in time with the beat of the music, accompanied by spasms of rudimentary drumming or air guitar, with very messy consequences.

Image: Pixabay/Luxstorm

First published 4 Aug 2022

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Israel plans to dominate Glastonbury in 2027

Benjamin Netanyahu watched the Glastonbury coverage this year with a growing sense of alarm.

He watched the coverage of Kneecap and Bob Vylan aghast. The crowd was a sea of Palestinian flags. There was not a single star of David to be seen. The mood was far from positive for Israel.

Bibi released that he had badly missed a trick. Glastonbury coverage is shown around the world, and his enemies had scored a massive PR victory.

And so Bibi has decided to create an Israeli supergroup that is so awesome and cool that the band will be a 'must book' for the next Glastonbury Festival in 2027. The musical genre has yet to be decided, but Bibi has suggested a mash-up of the musical styles of The Settlers and Dire Straits.

Bibi plans to build on Israel's four Eurovision wins. He is certain that, with hard work, practice, musical talent and some tactical interventions by Mossad, the goal can be achieved.

Bibi dreams of crowd-surfing at Glastonbury 2027, carried through a sea of Israeli flags. He is sure that the BBC's famed impartiality will help him to broadcast Israel's message of peace, hope, freedom and the obliteration of Gaza, around the globe.

Picture credit: perchance