Appeal launched to save Boris' skin for a grateful nation

English Heritage and the National Trust have announced a joint appeal to save the prime minister's skin and prevent it from being sold abroad.

A spokesperson said: 'It's vital that Boris's skin, which has an area of some 523 square feet, stays in Britain. It would be an absolute tragedy if it were taken out of the country and displayed in somewhere like Paris, or, God forbid, run up a flag pole in Brussels. Admittedly it is exceptionally thin and badly bruised in places, mainly due to the fallout from an excess of champagne cork popping. As a result, the skin has been designated as an Area of Outstanding Bullshit.'

Culture secretary and part-time sanitary pad Nadine Dorries said the PM's skin is iconic. 'It's as important to the nation's history as one of Churchill's Boer war condoms. I'm doing everything in my power to save it, including giving it a quick iron, destroying the BBC and taking a Masters in sycophantic grovelling.'

Wordle to replace CBeebies, CBBC

Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is completed the channels will play the national anthem on a loop. In solidarity, Dorries’ next novel will contain no words longer than 5 letters.

Parent Karolina Krychowiak noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident. Mr Tumble is always watching. Words that describe the Tories mostly have 4 letters, but I suppose the plurals have 5.’

Antipodean entrepreneur in talks to buy the BBC

It is understood that Nadine Dorries has been considering an offer from Bertie B*llocks. The owner of the eponymous conglomerate already owns a movie streaming service and various news outlets around the world. Although some of his money making ventures fall into a "grey area", especially in China and South America, he will have the funds to maintain the necessary cash stream for the BBC to continue being a world-leading broadcaster.

A close associate of Mr B*llocks stated, "it's a win win situation. Hell, we won't even have to change the lettering of the logo".

Asked if there would be job cuts he said, " Oh, yeear. A lot management barsterds will jumping out of windows by the time Bertie is finished with them".

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