Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage to merge

As a General Election nears, huge political news reaches us that former Prime Minister Boris Johnson and ex-UKIP leader Nigel Farage are to merge. Whilst no further details have been put forward by either camp, it is clear that this is potentially huge news for the inexplicably popular duo. We asked political commentator and respect theorist Sir Peter Catterick-Brace what this could mean for Britain's political landscape.

'Well, I think this is huge news! The potential ramifications for the traditional parties could be very significant if they manage to arouse their base voters.' He went on, 'I mean, all those quite extreme right wing, immigrant and Euro hating middle aged white voters could come out in droves for this monstrous entity. I expect the first thing it would want to do is undo Brexit and then re-do it. Straight away. A sort of 'Let's get Brexit done again'. Socially this beast would mean a great deal to publicans and tobacconists as well as it being an almost endless supply of extremely fertile semen and occasionally eloquent waffle. Nadine Dorries will pass out when she hears the news.'

As we await further news, we speculate that the 'thing' will be called 'Borjel Johnrage', be approximately six feet nine and during the initial process very, very dangerous to anyone coming without twenty feet of it with anything less than questionable views on race, British culture and colonialism.

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/ and your nightmares

Boris Johnson joins GB News to front Brexit lullaby hour

Boris Johnson has lurched into sight again by announcing he will be joining the GB News lineup. What is more interesting is the show he will be fronting: The Brexit Lullaby Hour.

The show has been described as “A warm bath of reassurance and mutual Brexit appreciation”. Shouting the show, Mr Johnson will go through the “many” Brexit advantages we have gained since leaving the European Union. He will also have an ASMR section where he will whisper, in his unique pound shop Churchill tones, various platitudes such as “soon we will be at the sunlit uplands”, “blue passports” and “up yours Delors”.

Guests will include Nigel Farage, where it is rumoured he will duet with the song “islands in the stream” Richard Tice for a wrestling match and Nadine Dorries for a weekly fantasy book club feature.

Nadine Dorries inadvertently talks sense; rift in space-time continuum ‘inevitable’

Earth is bracing itself for an invasion of Daleks and/or Cybermen after Nadine Dorries issued a tweet about the Conservative Party Conference which experts described as “quite sane”.

‘Nadine’s tweet about the country and the Conservative Party being “ . . . a total, utter, chaotic mess” doesn’t have a scientific explanation’, a scientist said. ‘Everything else she tweets is batshit crazy. A sane person can go mad, but for Nadine to suddenly become sane – it’s like separating purple paint back into red and blue. It just doesn’t happen spontaneously. We fear that one of the laws of thermodynamics, you know, the weird one, might have been broken’.

Scientists fear that the sudden lurch into coherence might be a step too far for the universe, resulting in a portal opening up like in a Doctor Who episode, though for balance we should point out that NewsBiscuit gets its scientists from the same agency that GB News uses. They’re quite suggestible if the money’s right.

One possibility is that Dorries was sober when she tweeted about the Conservative Party conference. If so, it raises the intriguing – and heartbreaking – possibility that there’s a real, human, insightful person trapped within that shell – rather like a Dalek or Cyberman, really.

image from pixabay