"I'd been looking forward to watching Hunt getting his comeuppance for months", said a disconsolate Ivy Jenkins from Clacton, "Up until June, I'd been picturing Boris Johnson's baffled face as he gets booted out, now he's resigned and Hunt's on his way out I'm reduced to looking forward to watching Rees-Mogg's Nanny drying his eyes."
top of page
'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'
Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.
Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.
'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'
It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'
Updated: Apr 24, 2022
Dickensian pipe-cleaner Jacob Rees-Mogg will not receive fixed penalty fines for attending Downing Street parties, because Nanny saw fit to formally decline all offers in a handwritten scroll handed in to Number 10 by Jacob, at luncheon.
Downing Street sources claim in the letter the MP for 19th century Somerset was ‘strictly forbidden to participate in fraternisation with subordinates in a way that may compromise his moral, spiritual, and ethical values by promoting the formation of a virtuous character and empathetic thinking.’
The letter also stipulated that ‘under no circumstance should the contents of Master Jacob’s piggy bank be used towards the purchase of alcohol, opium, harlots, or gifts for departing drones.’
An adviser close to Mr. Rees-Mogg divulged: ‘Jacob recently suggested he was too important to engage in turgid dalliance with Covid-saturated Downing Street plebs, mindlessly blathering on about the resurgence of some godforsaken ‘Gooners’ under Mikel Arteta, or participate in a spad circle-jerk over the latest footage of Matt Hancock’s cctv office rodeo show.
‘Let’s face it, no one was ever going to invite the Minister for Brexit Opportunities to a party and after a thimbleful of sweet sherry bore everyone stupid on karaoke with pithy ditties from HMS Pinafore.
‘And let’s say JRM was found to have attended parties, it’s common knowledge that if there’s any spanking to be administered there’s only one knee he’s going to lie across, and whose robust nipple he’ll gently but nostalgically bite down upon to ease the pain.
‘You know I’m referring to Nanny, not Bojo, don’t you?’
bottom of page