Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'

Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.

Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.

'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'

It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

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First published 5 Sep 2023

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Labour to assign nannies to 35 million British homes, deny accusations of nanny statism

Labour Party higher ups are refuting accusations of running a nanny state after parliament passed legislation allocating a female nanny to live-in with every single family in the United Kingdom. Each will be portly but not younger than 37. The nannies, claimed Ed Milliband, will merely be there to ‘offer guidance where required on the complexities of living in modern Britain.’ In a personal aside, Milliband said he had fond memories of ‘Nanny Jenkins’ and could, when he paused to recollect, still smell ‘the faint aroma of bicarbonate of soda that always entered the room with her.’

Opponents of the idea suggest that what the government is planning to do is supervise every aspect of Briton’s lives under the threat of prosecution if they break any of the recently elected government’s new laws on such matters as yogurt adverts, coal, smoking, being over 50 in Sunderland, or cellular communication use of the word ‘riot.’ Concerns are mounting, as the response to the new policy has seen a rush of divorces by men who misunderstand their new right to claim a mail-order home help.

Opposition is being further bolstered by immigration skeptics. They claim the 35 million new migrant females required to fill the positions will put a strain on the NHS, as frustrated Brits resistant to being told what to do put them in hospital. ‘It’s a recipe for chaos,’ said sources close to Gordon Ramsay, when shown the recipe. ‘That argument is a false opposition,’ claimed opponents of the Ramsay source. ‘With the new, streamlined right to die act, we should see the population start to balance out somewhere around 2042.’

Image: marcofedermann - Pixabay

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Govt. considers introducing 'Smokels'

'We have brothels because the public believes people having sex in public makes the place look untidy,' explained a government spokesman. 'And that is despite the fact that passive sex has not (as far as we are aware) ever been established to be a health hazard.'

'Smokels will be far more useful, and will enable those who are absolutely desperate for a ciggie to engage in their perverted activity in seclusion, with no risk of buggering up the lungs of the horses.'

'We also hope it will reduce the public nuisance of dodgy characters leaning against lamp-posts and discreetly muttering "'Ello, Dearie, fancy a ciggie?" to passers-by, before disappearing up a nearby alleyway with a punter seeking a quick drag on her fag.'

Photo by Reza Mehrad on Unsplash