Banknote animal contest 'to the death', screams a bloodthirsty Attenborough

Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did.

One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British animals on bank notes, his eyes lit up with a blood lust I've not seen since Blue Planet II: This Time It's Personal.'

A statement from Attenborough's office said 'Who doesn't want to see a badger fight a kestrel, only for a fox going through some bins to get the nod for the £20 note? Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitches! Queensberry Rules.'

Those stolen Louvre national treasures in full

'Mon Dieu!' wailed a curator from the Louvre. 'These jewels swiped from our museum were literally unique.

'Just think, these Philistines took Brigitte Bardot's cat flap. How can we ever replace a national treasure like that?

'And they stole Sir Stephen Fry - a British national treasure which was on loan to us from King Charles. They must have cut him up into pieces to get him through the Louvre window.

'Quel dommage! Such damage! They will probably end up being sold for scrap.'

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Dame Maggie Stiff

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