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Russian sanctions against the West will be the harshest since the great Lada shortage of 1981


Following a deeply troubling exchange during which Liz Truss said that her daddy was bigger than Vladimir Putin's daddy, the head of Russian bear wrangling has threatened to impose severe sanctions against the West. This is in retaliation for an escalation of tongues being stuck out from behind the skirt of NATO.

'Firstly, and most importantly, there will be an immediate repatriation of Liz Truss's culturally misappropriated hat.'

'There will then follow a strict ban on all dolls being put inside other dolls.'

'No other nation will be allowed to use the colours red, white or blue in their flags.'

'And finally, there will be no more beluga caviar pies served in the executive boxes at Chelski matches.'



First published 23 Feb 2022



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97% of Russian army in Ukraine - hmm, what's NATO got on this weekend?




NATO officials state that there's 'nothing to see here' as they decide to play war games on the Russian border. 'We play war games all the time - in the US, on Salisbury Plain, in South Germany; so we just felt it would be fun to amass about a thousand spare tanks on the Russian border about five hundred miles north of the Russian/Ukraine border. We've been playing "spot the 3%" today and think we know where about 2.97% of it is,' said an American five-star general.


'We're not war-mongering, we're just on a day trip,' suggested a British Major. 'Belarus looks interesting, might pop over with a brigade or two later.'


All NATO commanders have ruled out nipping into St Petersburg - until Wednesday at least. As the tanks revved up the commanders were apologetic at cutting the interview short. 'As they say around here, Moscow,' said one commander.



First published 17 Feb 2023



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