In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian wall-spaffing contest between Presidents Trump and Putin, Alaskan shopkeepers are reporting unprecedented sales of piano wire, gold paint, tamperable perfume bottles, lethal home entertainment lasers, and inflatable Saudi-linked embassies.
Raising suspicion that every Russian gangster, hoodlum, and hopeful is being mobilized on a one-chance murder mission should the Ukrainian president be allowed into the boardroom long after the competing snow sculptures of Trump and Putin’s penises have melted into base staffers' recurring night terrors, those left scrabbling for the last Aeroflot seats were forced to desperately purchase bicycles, wobbly ladders, plate glass windows, cans of paint and crates of chickens, in a misguided but laudable bid to nail their man and avoid their flight home ‘unfortunately’ steering directly into a mountain.
Responding to speculation about similarly unseasonably high tourism levels, a representative of the Alaska Tourism Board, muttering from behind a newspaper with two eye-holes cut in it, said: ‘I’m sure all these dead-eyed day-trippers are simply here to enjoy the sights, like the historic Elmendorf-Richardson military base chapel, whose corrugated iron roof reaches an impressive 5 metres above snow-level.
‘We did find a suspicious character sheltering inside the putrefying body of a dead cow cuddling a .22 rifle with “from mah clammy, fact-averse hands” scrawled on it, but it turned out to be JD Vance: he’s from the mid-West, I think it just reminded him of home.’
Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash