I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

'Vance, Witkoff and Jared simply don't have my peaceful instincts and finely-tuned negotiating skills - like demanding things and then shouting threats when I'm denied them.

'I would have been there at the talks myself to pull off the world's greatest ever peace deal like you wouldn't believe, but I had to be here watching UFC bouts for an entire evening with thousands of other blood-thirsty morons.

'Besides, I couldn't go for religious reasons. They tell me they don't allow pigs in Pakistan, and I'm a total pig.'

Image: Daniel Lloyd Blunk-Fernández (@blunkorama) | Unsplash Photo Community

Trump secures deal of Bone Saws to Saudi Arabia worth $300

With fly-bys, gun salutes and massive corruption, the so called US administration welcomed Mohammed bin Salman into the Oval Sales Office.

The full range of bone cutting equipment was laid out on the Resolute Desk on cheap gold plinths. The Saudi officials were particularly interested in the compact, fold away travel version with torch attachment, ideal for working in darkened back rooms of consulates.

His Majesty felt obliged to show interest in the powered reciprocating saws. These had toughened blades that oscillate at 12,000 strokes per minute. More than Trump in beauty pageant changing room.

Trump was very happy to talk in length about the best deal, the most best deal ever on surgical equipment, the likes of which no one had ever seen before, before he started to insult the press.

When one tried to ask about human rights, the prince was heard to mutter “You chop up one journalist...”

Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'