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A man is claiming that the objective of clearing out the garage has now been achieved, even though he has in fact created a dreadful mess that could take years or even decades to clear up.  Mr Donald T Rump of Basingstoke decided unilaterally to tackle what he perceived as a build-up of potentially hazardous garden chemicals and lubricants on the shelves of his garage by tipping them all into the drains.  Unsurprisingly to everyone except Mr Rump, this has caused a huge problem in the neighbourhood, risking the health and safety of everyone in the vicinity.  


The reaction was swift as the consequential damage spread quickly and uncontrollably.  The local river has now been cordoned off, and water supplies have been interrupted.  Children in the local school have been badly affected, although Mr Rump claims to have had nothing to do with any impact on any school.  


People that Mr Rump thought were his friends have distanced themselves from him.  He asked them to help with the clean-up operation once he realised that it was a bigger job than he could handle, but they refused so he said he doesn't need them anyway.  Reportedly, a Mr French used particularly strong words to describe what Mr Rump should do.


Despite his actions being illegal, irresponsible and downright dangerous, Mr Rump is insisting that he did the right thing and his garage is in much better shape than it was before.  According to him, the operation was a complete success and is now over.  Whether he will ever manage to clear out that huge stash of porn in the cupboards from his seedy past is not known.



Image credit: Wix AI


Your next door neighbour has confirmed his plans to mow his lawn much more often than you, and to generally take much better care then you of his plants, flowers and shrubs over the coming year, you lazy sod.


Terry, 68 (retired), marked the start of March with a ceremonial first cut of his lawn, although he’s been doing lots of jobs in the garden over the winter months too, you know, getting things ready for the Spring, composting, weeding, mulching because you’ve got to keep on top of things, haven’t you? Haven’t you? You haven’t, have you? You’ve done absolutely diddly squat.


Whilst your sorry patch of grass looks like something out the Day of the Triffids, Terry’s already has pristine Wembley stripes on it, and he could do yours for you if you’re too busy or haven’t got the skills, it’s no bother, really.


‘The annual publishing of Terry’s gardening timetable for the next 7 months is always an exciting moment, although perhaps not for you, his horticulturally incompetent next-door neighbour’, noted Luscious Rose, from the Royal Horticultural Society.


‘Long, but unpredictable patterns of use of a noisy strimmer from 9am every other Sunday’, continued Rose. ‘Looking up from his careful deadheading of flowers as you head out in your car to innocently point out ‘it’s a lovely day for some gardening isn’t it - oh, you’re off out are you?’.


‘And sighing heavily on a hot May bank holiday Monday as he creosotes both sides of the jointly owned fence between your two properties. It’s all there for you to look forward to till the end of October when you’ll vow that next year you’ll do a bit more in the garden.


Terry has also confirmed his plans to clean his own car every single week on a Sunday morning, even though it looks completely pristine anyway, just so he can make you feel inadequate as you say hello to him on your way past to get into your complete shit-tip of a vehicle.






The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.


An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'




First published 4 Mar 2022


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