An enraged father, Don, who has had quite enough unauthorised 'foreign muck' being ordered by his family for tea, has insisted that the local Neighbourhood Watch help defend his kitchen.
"There's a tide of it. Every night you get Olivia or Imogen on the text to these blokes with sneaky electric bikes. Next thing, under cover, they're delivering Indian, Chinese, Thai ... bloody Thai! ..., Greek food to our perfect English kitchen.
"These two daughters are just letting the flood of immigrant stuff pour in. Without them there'd be no demand for it. We don't need it and we don't want it. And it's a major cost to this household - it's all being charged to my card. My lovely English wife is more than capable of feeding us all with proper food, bought locally at the nearest Lidl.
"If I can get a few of the Neighbourhood Watch lads - or battalion, as we call ourselves - to intercept these ebike pirates at the proud border of the kitchen, or back door, we can just turf them out on their ears.
When asked if this local-only policy would extend to other rooms, Don replied, "What? With all the World Cup qualifiers coming up on my 69" TV in the living room? I need somewhere to drink my Stella, don't I?"
Image: grainlatte - Pixabay
A report recently published has confirmed something that you've already known for years. Your next door neighbour is a total idiot, and now that it's official you can breathe a sigh of relief.
The report's author Dr David Lawson said, 'We interviewed over two thousand next-door neighbours and findings are conclusive. Your neighbour is a noisy idiot who plays loud music, he cooks smelly foreign food and often parks his car in your parking space.
'His wife is even more irritating with that stupid bloody laugh - and as for his fucking kids? Our research shows that they could definitely do with a good kick up the arse, especially the big, spotty, gangly streak of piss who looks like Peter Crouch.'
But it's not all good news because your neighbour, when asked his opinion on you, points out many of the exact same irritations, and in particular your insufferable air of superiority makes him want to smack you round the head with a good sturdy shovel.
Conflict Resolution Expert and muesli-chomping hippy, Crawford Wynterbourne, explains, 'Hey guys, modern living in a busy fast-paced world is stressful. Why don't you both get together over a beer and talk through your pent-up feelings of anger, resentment and hatred for one another.'
Tension evaporates when you both tell Crawford to 'go and fuck himself'. You then shake hands with your neighbour and invite him and his wife around for drinks next Friday.
Photo by Blake Wheeler on Unsplash